Yo, I don't know!

According to my mom and my sister Michele, I am a strong contender in the race to say as many "I don't knows" in a lifetime. It's my answer to many questions when:
I truly and currently don't know
I don't want to know
I don't care to know
I know but I just don't want to say I know

What are the consequences of saying this phrase?  I always thought it was a good thing to say I don't know if you really didn't know at that time.  Why jump to a conclusion?  What does it even matter? (another frequent offender) Well, when it's actually the final time you need to answer it, you most certainly know.

What does it even matter...

Well, according to Madonna: Nothing really matters; Love is all we need
Really Madonna, love is all we need? Well that's fucked messed up because love is not all we need.  We need deserve so much more.  Giving love, getting love, where does that really bring us? To Mars?

In an interview with Vanity Fair in August 2000, Heath Ledger stated: When anything is blocking my head or there's worry in my life, I just go sit on Mars or something and look back here at Earth. All you can see is this tiny speck. You don't see the fear. You don't see the pain. You don't see thought. It's just one solid speck. Then nothing really matters. It just doesn't.

True Heath, nothing really does matter!

Chuck Klosterman said it well in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto:
“In and of itself, nothing really matters. What matters is that nothing is ever in and of itself.”

And according to Queen: Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
Thus, I carry on to the same place I would be if I did know and something nothing did matter.

My first trip Uptown

Eleven years ago I made a trip to my friend Erica's apartment uptown NYC.  This visit was not a scheduled but an impromptu one. 
This was September 11, 2001.  The day many, if not all of our, lives changed.  I vividly remember where I was at the exact moment of the first plane's entrance into the World Trade Center. I had kept that Starbucks receipt, date and time stamped, until last year, when I felt I needed to separate myself from the surreal moments of that day and the days and years to follow. 
I remember the smell, that wretched smell of terror, terrorists, death, love, forgiveness, sadness, emptiness, and strength. 
I remember the sights of people walking like zombies: the quietness, the loss.
I remember the calls that were made that day.  I remember the pleas that were made that day.
I remember my journey throughout the streets from the Empire State Building towards uptown.  I remember my journey home.  I remember the emptiness in the days to follow. 
I remember.

Every year I watch the reading of the names.  I sob as the names, the stories, and the memories are recalled.  My son watches me as I watch this numerous hour televised memorial.  He sees the planes, he sees the fright, and he sees the sadness.  I wonder what he will learn in school about this. 

But he will learn our home is on Monica Goldstein Way.  Monica, forever young, was a victim, a martyr, a hero, a tragic innocent loss, and a beautiful soul among the events of that day.  



Monica Goldstein



She was a kindhearted and silly 25 year old woman who went to work one morning; she was preparing for a marriage and a lifetime of memories.  Yet, her death, like many others of that day, will affect her friends and family, and strangers afar for the rest of their lives.  Maybe they named a child after her.  Maybe they changed their journey of life.  Maybe they realized life is too short.

This year, I again remember.  But this year, I remember that I am still standing on this Earth shaped by the decisions I have made, and the ability to have the opportunity to make those decisions.  I remember not to fear.
I will remember that my son will learn in school what he may about the events prior to and, during, and after September 11th . 
I will remember to let him know the love I have for him every day.
I will remember to let him know that nobody shall ever take away the opportunities that he may be afforded with.
And I will remember to let him know, September 11th happened, and his life has been affected by the loss. 

New Year, New Thoughts 9 nine months later

This past month somebody reminded me of my own 2012 "motto" (shall I say) mantra.  Thanks.  Always good for a reminder here and there.  With that said, it's been nine months of a lot of struggle, reflection, joy, sadness, and decision making madness. 

Somebody texted me last week and said "We plan, God laughs."  I laughed. 
That was an Aha moment.  Why do we plan?  Is it our destiny, God's plan, Karma? I have a logical reason to explain why I can agree with each of the aforementioned.  I just can't decide which one it is truly.  So, I continue to plan.  And God apparently continues to laugh.

I make decisions, right good or wrong bad, yet they are right for me at the time.
I make a decision what to post on Twitter and Facebook. I decide what to blog about.  Not because I fear what people may think about my life or even if they care about my life, but because I can; because I will; because I want.  It comes down to me.  NOOOOOOO.  I know what you are thinking.  Life is not all "Heather's way or the highway."  It's this: I think things through logically, I reason, I toy with different scenarios, AND THEN I decide what to say or do.  I have a center from which I make decisions.  I am a planted individual who thoughtfully does...

I don't expect everyone to agree with, like, or even deal with my thoughts or my actions, however I have to do them because they are what's right for me, and IN TURN makes a better place for those around me.  Some might not agree but a healthy Heather equals healthy relationships, healthy friends, and healthy family. Think about it for yourself?  How does the way you look and feel affect those around you?  I know that when I am emotionally and physically healthy, my lil man reaps the benefits of a strong mother.  
   
After a summer of thinking about thinking, thinking about how people think of me, it comes down to this:
You invite people into your life, share your life with friends, past and present, and family, be a guest in theirs only as long as they welcome you. If not...it's okay. It's all relevant in time.  We are all guests on this lovely land we call Earth.  Our place is found within.  So look inside yourself and think about it...Life is too short to feel not welcomed.