1984-Did you know I am truly a brunette?

No, this is not a blog about what I did in 1984.  But if you must know: I was a third grade, nine year old child attending PS 52 (John Thompson Elementary school)  (BTW My teacher Mrs. Murray, the former Ms. Connelly  still teaches 3rd grade there).  I had my own room, painted blue, where I liked to sleep on the floor and play teacher.  I carried my Cabbage Patch Kids everywhere.  I loved to lip sync to Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, and Prince. 

Anywho...    

This also is not a blog entry about the George Orwell book.  Well not exactly.  But there is a connection. 

Big Brother is always watching.

And this year I again am watching CBS' Big Brother sequestered in my own house.  Big Brother is the only competitive reality show that I have interest in-watching or participating.  Yes, I did try out three times for Big Brother.

Twice I made it to the semi finals.  Twice I had to think about the consequences of my going away for three months.  Twice I got really excited to be on television and show my desire for competition. 

The open casting call is always fun.  Waiting on line, listening to everyone's story and angle.  I'm an observer so this feeds my habit.  I might talk a lot BUT when it's time for competition, silence is key. 

When I participated in the Miss Staten Island Pageant, nobody really knew my introduction or my potential answers to questions regarding my platform.  Whether they were good or not, those responses were my own and I owned them,

 My runner up placements at the SI Pageant.

My first try out, I was a newlywed, married less than a year, and thought what better way to start off a marriage but to separate for three months. 

My family thought thinks knows I am crazy and when I have my mind set on something I give it my all.  And I did.  I gave it all HEATHER!!!  But I was not what they were looking for as a part of that cast.  Second time around I didn't make it to the semis.  No problem.  I must have had an off day but the open casting call was a great experience. 

Third time a charm?  Well you can see that it wasn't since I'm here and the cast has been chosen.  But my trip to the call was amazing!!!  My being chosen for the semi finals were awesome.  Now I had to face the family again.  This time I had a good job, a son, and some household obligations I needed to tend to.  But I discussed and found a way to overcome these obstacles.  Hey, my son would get to "see" me three times a week and if he had live feeds even more.  Kind of like facetime right? 

I really thought I had the edge this time.  My body is in great shape, my mind and eye was on the prize, my personality would be a ratings killa!  A little much?

I really thought about strategy, what I would and would not do (I would not not do anything in order to achieve Big Brother winner!).  But it was not my time, again. 

So onward I go.  I watch, I analyze, and I aim to try again.  Sorry mom!  You only live once on this earth and I need to give it my all .  I never want to regret. 

Forget regrets or life is yours to miss.

Safety comes first-Warning DIRTY pictures ahead

Did you ever have a safe haven or a place with no worries?  A place that you have created or otherwise discovered.  I have had many safe places.  Where I was only delighted to find happy moments, peace, relaxation.

My safe places over the years have included: a person's arms; The Anderson Center at Binghamton University; the towns of Binghamton and Vestal; Fort Lauderdale; Disneyworld; Times Square, the bathroom; and the Miss Staten Island Pageant.  I also found reading, divulging my life story, or singing in the car at the top of my lungs with every emotion I had in me to be a really safe place.  Now- I really don't have that safe zone. 

All the places above are still lovely as a whole.  However each place has supplied with me a situation that went from safe to stressful, and some are not as easily accessible to travel to, well except the bathroom.  The bathroom is my retreat.  Yes.  I read, I relax, I bathe because I do like to get DIRTY!

 So with that said, if you know me, my anxiety level rises just as fast as I drive. I need a safe place.  Recently, exercising, I guess, can be considered my temporary safe place. I do feel secure, alive, and calm when hitting the kettle bells or running.

I rarely sing in the car; can't find much time to read.; and, the divulging actually has made me more stressful.  How dare people know every facet of my life. Thank you Facebook and Twitter.  Now people expect me to answer an open ended question with a full compliment of facts and examples.  I did create that monster.  That used to help me.  Talk to somebody.  Hope that somebody was listening and hope that they would want to share as well. Well, I have learned, thanks to a friend, that it is not necessary to divulge everything.  Less is more.  There are other outlets.

 I guess I will take my temporary safe place  for now but I really need to find that happy place again. 

Who am I? Well I know who my sister is...

As you might know, at 37 years old I struggle to find myself.  Who I am and where I want to be.  Wait am I really 37?  Yeah, I'm trying to find where those years went. 

Some things I do know:
I'm competitive
I 'm in for a good thrill (double entendre) that rewards me emotionally and physically
I'm smart (double entendre?)
I like admire people
I like to express myself through writing and orally (double entendre)
I love to travel
I worship food
I like to take pictures of myself (see below for an example)

With that said, what am I looking for me to be:
A photographer?
A food critic?
A travel reporter?
A television personality?

Let me be clear, those things would never define me.  What defines me is my passion.  Don't mistake that!! So who I am looking to be will I remain?

A passionate, strong willed, intelligent, want it all for myself and my family, chica.  Got it?  Good.  Can you feel my mood today?

Which leads me to my sister Michele Karlsberg, an amazing and resourceful lesbian woman after her own passions.  Check out and purchase her new writing contribution "The Isle Of Staten" featured in Love, Christopher Street Reflections of New York City.  It is an amazing volume of essays including a work of art by Jewelle Gomez. 

Michele Karlsberg, Pluto, and Victoria Werner

Nos vemos pronto..new blog coming on double entendres (can you see the foreshadowing?)