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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Struggle with Perfection

I have 5 in total as of today.
You ask what does that have to do with my struggle for perfection?  We'll get there.  I'm a little rigid, so there has to be a sequence apparently.  Hear my sarcasm?

I got my first, a shooting star on my right wrist, after my 30th birthday when I realized that I wanted to be a star.  Well, some might say that I've always wanted to be a star. And I probably would concur. But I'll get back to that.

My second, rosary beads on my left forearm, after my grandmother passed away.  I'm not a very religious person but she was like a God to me. She lived with me until the day she died and still does. I'll get back to that too.

My third is a photocopy of my son's hands when he was almost 2 with the alpha omega symbols separated by a star and followed by my son's name on my right forearm. That was a mouthful; You'll always hear about my shining star!

My fourth, and brand new tattoo, drum roll please....the Aquarius Pisces cusp sign, my first colorful tattoo, placed on my  right foot.  It was first for me but probably not the last and didn't hurt a bit! I decided on this water sign, not because I love water, because even though I love the beach, I really don't love water, but because my birthday falls on the cusp of the both signs and they truly do represent many of my traits.  I'll talk more about that shortly.

And my fifth, and also very new tattoo, is a quote on my left wrist "forget regrets or life is yours to miss." instead of me talking about this quote, why don't you ponder about it and leave me some comments my friends.

I did say that I would talk a little more about my reasoning behind the actual tattoos but I thought it was even more important to discuss  how somebody decides to mark their body permanently by inserting ink into their skin's dermis layer? Truthfully, I am not sure at what point I said I really want a tattoo and not sure when I thought it was okay to do this to my body because I really have some self image issues.  So why would I choose to highlight my hairy, Italian arms by decorating them with tattoos?  Why did I choose to use tattoos to identify myself?  For placement, I chose my forearms so that I could cover them up during work events.  Professional by day, me by night.  But that still doesn't answer why I decided to mark my body.  I am a perfectionist. Shocker.  Even though I never attain it, I strive for it; and I actually struggle with it.

Again, why did I mark my body permanently and continue to do so?  Well, it sure is addicting.  The pain is just right and the product is beautiful.  More so, I believe I do it because I have control over it.  By choosing which areas, how big or small, I am taking control of my self environment. I am taking control of my body and facing my self image issues.  By creating a palate, I am managing my feelings about what I think about me and what I think others think about me.
Got it?
Self image is the mental picture that depicts things that have been learned about myself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others. A simple definition of a person's self image is the answer to the question "what do I believe people think about me?"
I can go through a million thoughths as to what I think people think about me and what I think about me.  But to sum it up without going through that is what people always respond when they catch a glimpse of my tattoos is "I would never picture you getting tattoos, very nice."  Why so surprised?  Beacuse I look like a teacher, librarian, have a child, seem to have a wall up, not wild enough, former AP student?  What could it be? And therein lies my problem: Thinking about what people think about me. And probably thinking the wrong things; Struggling to be a perfect balance of sexy yet nerdy. 

As I write this blog entry, my son just said "mom, your tattoo on your foot is so nice." As long as I am perfect in his eyes, I am happy....
for now.
To be continued.


  1. I didn't know about all your new tattoos! Wow. Honestly, your self-awareness is incredible and if the tattoos make you happy, that is what matters.

  2. forget regrets or life is yours to miss." -- from Rent!!!! :) Best show ever!