Dear Santa...Love a mom surviving Sandy

Dear Santa,

It was great to visit with you this year.  You haven't aged a bit!  I know that you said I could email this letter for quicker delivery so here I go!
This is not an numerated list of my wants for this Christmas. This is not a list that is easy to write.  This is not a list that is like any of your other lists.  This is a list about others.  This is a list for those who have given me and my little man: support, kindness, donations, thoughts.  Much too much to detail in this letter since I know your time is limited.

This Christmas, there are many people who deserve things, wishes, cheers, EVERYTHING!

Many have lost much due to Sandy: family, friends, neighbors, personal belongings, homes, and most of all their spirit.  They need their spirit back to spear head the heavy task of rebuilding.  These people belong on the Nice list.  Oh, btw, a reminder that those, Ahem, not on this list who did not want to help, not that they could not help, deserve nothing; oh wait...they deserve coal; no, they deserve EVERYTHING that they deserve.

In no particular order Santa, here is my Nice list:

1. Stephen Siller Tunnel to the Towers Foundation-money to help support not only Sandy victims but those affected by hardship throughout time.  Their family has been hard hit but they continue to keep going and going and going.  Side note-I hope to make that run to the Towers next year!

2. The Correa's-they need to reestablish their home.  They have the love. They have a house for now but they need their home back. They want to build their home.  Side note-Maybe a third wife for your home?
3. Alpha Phi Eta Zeta Alumni-no words can express the gratitude that I have for these classy ladies.  Forever sisters.  WE need a celebration.  Side note-even through the craziness of rush and the pressures that surrounded us (AKA Heather was a nutty sister) we have survived!!
4. My sisters Michele and Allison-food, shelter, support, donations, legwork, babysitting and all that comes with being older sisters.  Sprinkle a little joy with them. 
5. My mom-lost most of her belongings in her apartment.  She might not realize it now but she needs all the basics.
6.Strangers, friends, friends of friends, family, friends of family-your elves have been watching them I am sure. They need others like them. It takes a village. You know that!
7. Staten Island Killa Beez-they've gutted, given donations, raised awareness, supported, baked, and cheered us on.  They need more time.
8. Guyon Rescue-they've supplied us!  From baby wipes,  food, toothpaste, backpacks, a chat and friendly faces.
9. Sand Lane-they've supplied us!!! Bras, gift cards, cereal, snacks, cleaning supplies, and water.  Side note-far from my Macy's days and bra shopping.
10. My colleagues-they have given me time, offers of food and drink, donations, and support. Side note-sometimes teamwork is an effort but with my team it's all fun!
11. My all time best friend Ann-Marie-rolled up her sleeves (and her pants) and literally swept up the shit in my house! SANTA-listen here-the girl NEVER asks for anything.  She plays with all the cards she has been dealt and never folds.  Treat her well.      
12. My son Daniel.  He has been as patient (and inquisitive) and loving as a 5 year old boy can be. He unloaded supplies in Miller Field, he handed out gifts at Mount Manresa (courtesy of a gift drive by Sandy Clause and Toni Senecal), and he has made due with the things that he has with him.  He hopes to be home soon.  He'll be home soon Santa and you will find my boy who makes A LOT of good choices.

I know that was longer than expected but it could have been longer. 
With love and hope and joy and magic,
Daniel's mommy

Life is a highway...

I now spend an hour each way each day on the Staten Island Expressway to take lil man to school and me to work.  Pre-Sandy-it was a one minute drive to school and a 15 minute drive to work. 
I now spend mornings eating breakfast with my niece or eating buffet style at a hotel.  Pre-Sandy I ate on the run and I made Dan breakfast.
I now spend my lunch hours doing research on furnaces, hot water heaters, electricity, insurance, FEMA, and any and all hurricane Sandy resources.  Pre-Sandy I used to go to  the mall.

I could go on...
But...
My life is more than Pre and Post Sandy; However Sandy has helped me to confirm all that I know. 

My life is my Daniel and me. 
My life is those who support me for being me.
My life is riding roads that require a lot of energy and will.
My life is mine to own, embrace, enjoy, overcome.

My life was ...it just was...I can cry, complain, confirm.  I can defend, delete, deny.
 I can love, learn, live.  YES!  I chose the L words!!!

There's a world outside every darkened door
Where Blues won't haunt you anymore
For the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore...

Thanksgiving is for the birds

I have to be honest...I never really wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving.  I really didn't like turkey.  Barely (and that's stretching it) watched football.  Couldn't fathom the story of the Pilgrims and the Indians. 

But each year, I took a piece of turkey and filled up on bread and mashed potatoes and whatever pasta dish that was prepared for me.  Then came my son's first Thanksgiving-it was all about that: His first.  So I celebrated.  I enjoyed.  Now, 5 years later, I have a different view.

I like turkey more, especially doused in cranberry sauce.  I still barely ( and that's stretching it) watch football.  And I still can't fathom the story of the Indians and Pilgrims.  But that's not just it...

Besides all this hoopla, I am so very thankful for what I have.  My son being the most important of those things.  This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving alone, to reflect on all those things that I have and that enable me to be who I am.  Hurricane Sandy and the personal events that I am facing right now show me what I am thankful for.  It has taken these horrible situations to prove to me that Thanksgiving is more than the bird we eat, more than the football we watch, more than the Pilgrims and Indians.

This was my list on twitter for the this week:

Thankful for the generosity of people. Not only during #Sandy but all through my life.
Thankful for the ability to see and hear and smell and taste
Thankful for all the opportunities I've been presented with
Thankful for being raised by 5 women
Another day... Thankful for a shredder
It's amazing how one person can break you down to pieces. I'm thankful for Taylor Swift's never ever gonna get back together
Countdown to #Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for my Daniel

THANKSGIVING is about what is here and now.  What we have to be thankful for.  Who we have that we are thankful for.  Love, generosity, hope, life, people, water, food, shelter...So much more than you think.

Be Thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!

A little dity about Sandy, my Danny and me

Sandy can't you see I'm in misery...
A line from the Sandy song in Grease...branded my favorite movie (tied with Beaches) yet my least favorite song in the movie.  And now even more so do I hate it.

Hurricane Sandy, Sandy, why-yi-yi-yi-yi
Oh Sandy

We have lost, but others have lost too
We are safe and alive
We hit roadblocks every step of the way

Friends, family, and strangers
Some give time
Some give muscle
Some give money
Some give clothes
Some give toys
All give us support,
A shoulder to cry on,
An ear to vent

This road is not an easy one,
it is a broken one

Hurricane Sandy, Sandy, why-yi-yi-yi-yi
Oh Sandy

This road is being walked by a woman and her son
Who have been torn to pieces

A woman who has torn down the walls to their home
Her son who has been displaced from home and school
A woman who is working to rebuild
Not only the structure of their home but her family too

A woman and her son will make major changes, major improvements
They will walk the Staten Island roads
To strength lane
To thanks avenue
To hope court
To love way

Sandy my darling you hurt me real bad
But safe and alive forever and ever we will be

Judgment Day-Your life just a boardgame?

My son recently asked to purchase the game Battleship.  I thought hey, why not since it's a good way to recognize letters and numbers.  So I bought it and he was super happy...

I started to write this post in 2011 and judgement day, I am sure, had a different meaning.  However today I pick it up and take my turn at explaining thinking what it means to me in 2012, this month, today, now. 

So, I mention the game Battleship because, at times, I think my life is played by players vying to sink my ships.  I have so many ships struggling to stay afloat, and while some I have control over, some I do not; but when it comes to sinking them, the players, lately, have more control than me.  Make sense? 

I should have control over my own decision making, my own life choices, my own everything.  Yet, I know that some things are just simply out of my hands.  GOD? Men? Family? Friends? Foes? I can only control what I do and how I do it.  Others will make their own "right" choices.  And  take their own "right" pathway.  However when somebody takes control over something that is my own, and I let it happen, shame on me and my ship deserves to be sunk.  However when the reality is that I have no control because I really have no control, so be it.

Sometimes I feel like my life resembles Hungry Hungry Hippo.  Know that game?  Yeah I tend to be starving at times and I like to eat much for myself (sometimes I share) but that's not what I mean.  We are all hungry, we all have an appetite for life and here we are in the survival of the fittest.  Many of us are hungry for the same thing, but mostly we are simply hungry and want to get what only we want.  Keeping our eyes on the prize.  Our prize.  Our life.  All those hippos stretching out their necks to get the food, the goal, the fulfillment.  And here we are, humans, always sticking out our necks for ourselves and others so we can get what we want and need. 
Well , what happens to those hippos after they are full?????????  And what happens when we have no more battleships???


       

This kid has it good!

I thought I would highlight my lil man this week.  As he is my mini-me!  I tend to tell you all about my beliefs and my struggles but let me tell you about one reason I am here and continue to move forward.

He is:

• 5 years old
• Easy going, unless he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it
• Funny, can make anyone smile on command
• Smart, knows definitions of big words and can use them in a situation.  For example, he says to me the the other day "Mom, do you know what modification means?" I respond, "Eh? Modification? Sure."  He cuts in "yes, it means you modify something so someone can understand or do something." I stunningly say "yes, it's when you change an activity or a a word so that someone else can understand.  Great job handsome!" 
• Handsome-yeah he gets his looks from me
• Loving, what kid yells out in any public place "Mom, I love you!" and blows kisses...makes me melt and feel embarrassed for my lil momma's boy.  Lucky, what kid gets to go to Disney every 4 months????? 
• Loved, 2 parents and a lot of friends and family who love him
• Mine, all mine.  For now...

He had his first day in Kindergarten this September.  I wonder if they asked him what he did on his summer vacation because it was loaded!!!

Here's some pictures of my pride and joy during his summer vacation!  If only his teachers could see this.


Christmas in July at Point Pleasant




Hanging and swinging at Chelsea Piers



Okay this might not be on his fun list: The cousin trying to get him to eat corn.  Can you see the excitement?



The two Dans at a Staten Island Yankee Game.  As we enter the ballpark, the other Dans asks "Do we have to watch the game?" See the Power Ranger toys in their hands, yeah, that's what they did at the game.




New York Yankee Game



Venice Beach, California

 


Disney Cruise on the Magic with Pluto



Pure happiness.  His Star Wars fight with Pluto in Disneyland!!! Priceless!!





Yo, I don't know!

According to my mom and my sister Michele, I am a strong contender in the race to say as many "I don't knows" in a lifetime. It's my answer to many questions when:
I truly and currently don't know
I don't want to know
I don't care to know
I know but I just don't want to say I know

What are the consequences of saying this phrase?  I always thought it was a good thing to say I don't know if you really didn't know at that time.  Why jump to a conclusion?  What does it even matter? (another frequent offender) Well, when it's actually the final time you need to answer it, you most certainly know.

What does it even matter...

Well, according to Madonna: Nothing really matters; Love is all we need
Really Madonna, love is all we need? Well that's fucked messed up because love is not all we need.  We need deserve so much more.  Giving love, getting love, where does that really bring us? To Mars?

In an interview with Vanity Fair in August 2000, Heath Ledger stated: When anything is blocking my head or there's worry in my life, I just go sit on Mars or something and look back here at Earth. All you can see is this tiny speck. You don't see the fear. You don't see the pain. You don't see thought. It's just one solid speck. Then nothing really matters. It just doesn't.

True Heath, nothing really does matter!

Chuck Klosterman said it well in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto:
“In and of itself, nothing really matters. What matters is that nothing is ever in and of itself.”

And according to Queen: Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
Thus, I carry on to the same place I would be if I did know and something nothing did matter.

My first trip Uptown

Eleven years ago I made a trip to my friend Erica's apartment uptown NYC.  This visit was not a scheduled but an impromptu one. 
This was September 11, 2001.  The day many, if not all of our, lives changed.  I vividly remember where I was at the exact moment of the first plane's entrance into the World Trade Center. I had kept that Starbucks receipt, date and time stamped, until last year, when I felt I needed to separate myself from the surreal moments of that day and the days and years to follow. 
I remember the smell, that wretched smell of terror, terrorists, death, love, forgiveness, sadness, emptiness, and strength. 
I remember the sights of people walking like zombies: the quietness, the loss.
I remember the calls that were made that day.  I remember the pleas that were made that day.
I remember my journey throughout the streets from the Empire State Building towards uptown.  I remember my journey home.  I remember the emptiness in the days to follow. 
I remember.

Every year I watch the reading of the names.  I sob as the names, the stories, and the memories are recalled.  My son watches me as I watch this numerous hour televised memorial.  He sees the planes, he sees the fright, and he sees the sadness.  I wonder what he will learn in school about this. 

But he will learn our home is on Monica Goldstein Way.  Monica, forever young, was a victim, a martyr, a hero, a tragic innocent loss, and a beautiful soul among the events of that day.  



Monica Goldstein



She was a kindhearted and silly 25 year old woman who went to work one morning; she was preparing for a marriage and a lifetime of memories.  Yet, her death, like many others of that day, will affect her friends and family, and strangers afar for the rest of their lives.  Maybe they named a child after her.  Maybe they changed their journey of life.  Maybe they realized life is too short.

This year, I again remember.  But this year, I remember that I am still standing on this Earth shaped by the decisions I have made, and the ability to have the opportunity to make those decisions.  I remember not to fear.
I will remember that my son will learn in school what he may about the events prior to and, during, and after September 11th . 
I will remember to let him know the love I have for him every day.
I will remember to let him know that nobody shall ever take away the opportunities that he may be afforded with.
And I will remember to let him know, September 11th happened, and his life has been affected by the loss. 

New Year, New Thoughts 9 nine months later

This past month somebody reminded me of my own 2012 "motto" (shall I say) mantra.  Thanks.  Always good for a reminder here and there.  With that said, it's been nine months of a lot of struggle, reflection, joy, sadness, and decision making madness. 

Somebody texted me last week and said "We plan, God laughs."  I laughed. 
That was an Aha moment.  Why do we plan?  Is it our destiny, God's plan, Karma? I have a logical reason to explain why I can agree with each of the aforementioned.  I just can't decide which one it is truly.  So, I continue to plan.  And God apparently continues to laugh.

I make decisions, right good or wrong bad, yet they are right for me at the time.
I make a decision what to post on Twitter and Facebook. I decide what to blog about.  Not because I fear what people may think about my life or even if they care about my life, but because I can; because I will; because I want.  It comes down to me.  NOOOOOOO.  I know what you are thinking.  Life is not all "Heather's way or the highway."  It's this: I think things through logically, I reason, I toy with different scenarios, AND THEN I decide what to say or do.  I have a center from which I make decisions.  I am a planted individual who thoughtfully does...

I don't expect everyone to agree with, like, or even deal with my thoughts or my actions, however I have to do them because they are what's right for me, and IN TURN makes a better place for those around me.  Some might not agree but a healthy Heather equals healthy relationships, healthy friends, and healthy family. Think about it for yourself?  How does the way you look and feel affect those around you?  I know that when I am emotionally and physically healthy, my lil man reaps the benefits of a strong mother.  
   
After a summer of thinking about thinking, thinking about how people think of me, it comes down to this:
You invite people into your life, share your life with friends, past and present, and family, be a guest in theirs only as long as they welcome you. If not...it's okay. It's all relevant in time.  We are all guests on this lovely land we call Earth.  Our place is found within.  So look inside yourself and think about it...Life is too short to feel not welcomed. 

EATING Part Two

After our Dorney trip, on the way home, we stopped at Crayola Factory.  This is the place where I thought I had lost my child because one minute he was by my side and the next he was gone.  Luckily I found him in a different area because he said he was looking for something.  Thanks for letting me know before you left my side lil one! When we speak about Crayola, two things he states, "oh yes, that's where I left you and I promised I would never do that again because you would be very sad if I were gone forever; and "mommy, that's where you read me Shoo Fly."

Now, I also know Daniel loves this place for the molding clay and water canal exhibit.  But I am, by no means, an artsy person.  However this, my 3rd time, at the Factory, I had a lot of fun making some arts and crafts.  Now, I also knew my reward for being a nice mommy was to go to Cici's Pizza Buffet, but I really did end up enjoying myself.

The fruits of our labor:


Daniel playing with the Crayola Molding Clay

My jungle themed safari sachet 

Is he using two crayons?

 And the dirty dishes from my fruit of labor:

Now you can see why I work out.  Until the next vacay...

Not so Lazy Rivers, Roller Coasters, and EATING! Pt 1

What a  long winded title to this long winded blog.  Wow!

Last weekend I was afforded a Dorney Park trip with the family for my niece's 10th birthday!  It was a very nice stay at the Holiday Inn Express and a lazy relaxing fun filled time time at the park.  Upon arrival in Allentown, we stopped to eat at Carrabbas where mama ordered  a mojito.  No, this time it was not me!  It was my mom.  I can't believe I haven't had a drink in a while.  Said me.  Said my family.


Dan driving his cousin Meggy Meg and my sis Michele


It was then time to head to the Holiday Inn where everyone was staying.  Now, the plan was that we'd crash for the evening in my sis' rooms however as one of my sis' declared "be a grown up and get your own room," and in turn a room was booked.  You know...I was going to chip in some money for their rooms!  Oh well.

Saturday morning we woke up and sat down to our wonderful breakfast at the Holiday Inn:
Coffee with FLAVORED creamer
2 cinnamon rolls
2 biscuits
scrambled eggs
sausage pattie

No, this wasn't the menu.  This is what I ate.

Off to the park to hit the water area as soon as it opened.  But before then, the task was to cross the street.  Picture a highway, now picture us running across it to get to the park.  Easy?  Sure.  Frightening? Sure.  And only 3 more times we needed to do that.

We ran to get some chairs by the wave pool near an umbrella.  Because really how much darker can I get? Really, my mom needs a little shade when we are in the sun all day.  Most of the day was spent in the wave pool but we hit some water rides:
Daniel did the Acqua Racer 4 times, scoring a 4 on the Thrill Ride scale and rightfully so.  I couldn't look.  I was so scared for his life.  In the end, I had to take my try on it head first because I needed to see why he liked it and wasn't afraid.  And once you push off, it was fun!  But I still didn't feel safe about his bravery!

Next up were the 3 Not so Lazy Rivers:
I put my booty in those tubes under the impression I was going to get to relax.  Not so.  I had a lot of work ahead of me.
Riptide Run-I guess I should have figured out this was no lazy with the name of the ride.  Because at times, we were caught in a riptide and couldn't progress down the slide into the next area without using our arms  and legs to get us out of the jam.  Mom really LOVED this ride!
Wildwater River-Yeah, I guess my brain wasn't in tact this weekend.  Maybe it was because I skipped lunch looking forward to a heavy dinner. Took a lot of energy to help the lil ones (okay, and me) to get away from the hail force water dropping on our heads.
Runaway River-the most calm and pretty long river.  Almost relaxing except the one place where you could not avoid the water banging your head.

After the waterpark, we headed back to the hotel to dry off and change.  Then we headed back across to watch an ice skating show: Snoopy's Big Bow Wow.  It was a cute show. Brings you back to when Peanuts was shown on the television.  Was never a fan... But I do love ice skating and the costumes were pretty. 

Then it was time to eat. FINALLY!!! 8PM and I get to eat.  Shared a pull pork and spicy chicken sandwich at the Game Day Grill.  It was a yummy dinner but because it started raining our ride adventure was put off. So...I looked for dessert.  Nothing interesting at the grill. 
Actually nothing interesting in the ENTIRE park!!!  I know, this is not Hershey (we return next year).  I finally settled on vanilla soft serve in a waffle cone topped with Reese's Pieces. 

Dan was tired so he only got to go on 4 rides and I got to tackle the Hydra.  There was no line so it was a no brainer to hop on.  At night, in the pitch black, it was definitely a score of 5 on the Thrill ride scale. 
A successful day with the family, and my niece out partied us all.  I think it was the fun dip.

Slept through the night, except for when mom screamed in her sleep: Pick me, pick me!  I wonder what she wanted to be picked for?  Sounds like something I would say.

It was again that time for Breakfast:
too much coffee
2 pancakes
2 cinnamon rolls
2 biscuits
2 hard boiled eggs
bacon

Did I just eat more than yesterday I asked myself?? I promised to drop 1 biscuit and 1 cinnamon bun in exchange for the pancakes.  And this is why I am on Jenny Craig!

So It's just not me...

This week has been bountiful of writing and reading.  Thank you for reading and the traffic! 

I hope that my blog does help you believe "hey, it just isn't me."
We all have a lot going on in our lives and we all have a story to tell.  For me, as I have said before, writing about my story helps me and I hear that it helps you. 

With that said...I work out a lot twice a day enough to make me happy.  I have the opportunity to work out differently with different and fun people.  My morning routine on the Boardwalk is amazing.

Shout out to Tony from Staten Island Boot Camp!  With my lovely women and our hard core man (RS0-thank's for joining me here), we work out to the sunrise and rainbows.  We are people that come together, once, twice or even three times a week on Staten Island in South Beach.  Even though different in shape, age, gender, and physical ability, we work to our potential. We also enjoy the music and sights, including tricycle girl, sashay chick, the "old" men club, blue man, etc.  A great place to sight see in the morning while working out.  This feeds two of my addictions: people-watching and working out!  Check out the boot camp if you like to wake up for a 6AM class that makes you feel energized throughout the day!

Thus it doesn't hinder on my evening work out, it serves as a foundation for our day. 

So then twice a week, I get to work out with my lovely girls Ann-Marie and Margaret!  And our amazing trainer Chris.  Kettlebells and body weight are used until we are dripping with sweat and our muscles feel like they are on fire.  Thanks Chris!

Occasionally I run.  I don't love it but I do it and I feel good.  And it keeps me competitive and trim in my tummy.  I can only hope!

And, I work out with my Obstacle Course Race (OCR) Group, my Killa Beez!! 

However I do want to stress that my friend Dori Dori (yes I meant to write that twice) is really THE person who I look up to in the exercise world.  The intelligent cute young chickie who I wish I met in Binghamton has really shed light on the doable and fun exercise world!

I am very happy that I have met or (re met) these individuals who help me push through, help me find out things about myself, and show me the commonalities in us all which make us stronger!!!!





  

1984-Did you know I am truly a brunette?

No, this is not a blog about what I did in 1984.  But if you must know: I was a third grade, nine year old child attending PS 52 (John Thompson Elementary school)  (BTW My teacher Mrs. Murray, the former Ms. Connelly  still teaches 3rd grade there).  I had my own room, painted blue, where I liked to sleep on the floor and play teacher.  I carried my Cabbage Patch Kids everywhere.  I loved to lip sync to Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, and Prince. 

Anywho...    

This also is not a blog entry about the George Orwell book.  Well not exactly.  But there is a connection. 

Big Brother is always watching.

And this year I again am watching CBS' Big Brother sequestered in my own house.  Big Brother is the only competitive reality show that I have interest in-watching or participating.  Yes, I did try out three times for Big Brother.

Twice I made it to the semi finals.  Twice I had to think about the consequences of my going away for three months.  Twice I got really excited to be on television and show my desire for competition. 

The open casting call is always fun.  Waiting on line, listening to everyone's story and angle.  I'm an observer so this feeds my habit.  I might talk a lot BUT when it's time for competition, silence is key. 

When I participated in the Miss Staten Island Pageant, nobody really knew my introduction or my potential answers to questions regarding my platform.  Whether they were good or not, those responses were my own and I owned them,

 My runner up placements at the SI Pageant.

My first try out, I was a newlywed, married less than a year, and thought what better way to start off a marriage but to separate for three months. 

My family thought thinks knows I am crazy and when I have my mind set on something I give it my all.  And I did.  I gave it all HEATHER!!!  But I was not what they were looking for as a part of that cast.  Second time around I didn't make it to the semis.  No problem.  I must have had an off day but the open casting call was a great experience. 

Third time a charm?  Well you can see that it wasn't since I'm here and the cast has been chosen.  But my trip to the call was amazing!!!  My being chosen for the semi finals were awesome.  Now I had to face the family again.  This time I had a good job, a son, and some household obligations I needed to tend to.  But I discussed and found a way to overcome these obstacles.  Hey, my son would get to "see" me three times a week and if he had live feeds even more.  Kind of like facetime right? 

I really thought I had the edge this time.  My body is in great shape, my mind and eye was on the prize, my personality would be a ratings killa!  A little much?

I really thought about strategy, what I would and would not do (I would not not do anything in order to achieve Big Brother winner!).  But it was not my time, again. 

So onward I go.  I watch, I analyze, and I aim to try again.  Sorry mom!  You only live once on this earth and I need to give it my all .  I never want to regret. 

Forget regrets or life is yours to miss.

Safety comes first-Warning DIRTY pictures ahead

Did you ever have a safe haven or a place with no worries?  A place that you have created or otherwise discovered.  I have had many safe places.  Where I was only delighted to find happy moments, peace, relaxation.

My safe places over the years have included: a person's arms; The Anderson Center at Binghamton University; the towns of Binghamton and Vestal; Fort Lauderdale; Disneyworld; Times Square, the bathroom; and the Miss Staten Island Pageant.  I also found reading, divulging my life story, or singing in the car at the top of my lungs with every emotion I had in me to be a really safe place.  Now- I really don't have that safe zone. 

All the places above are still lovely as a whole.  However each place has supplied with me a situation that went from safe to stressful, and some are not as easily accessible to travel to, well except the bathroom.  The bathroom is my retreat.  Yes.  I read, I relax, I bathe because I do like to get DIRTY!

 So with that said, if you know me, my anxiety level rises just as fast as I drive. I need a safe place.  Recently, exercising, I guess, can be considered my temporary safe place. I do feel secure, alive, and calm when hitting the kettle bells or running.

I rarely sing in the car; can't find much time to read.; and, the divulging actually has made me more stressful.  How dare people know every facet of my life. Thank you Facebook and Twitter.  Now people expect me to answer an open ended question with a full compliment of facts and examples.  I did create that monster.  That used to help me.  Talk to somebody.  Hope that somebody was listening and hope that they would want to share as well. Well, I have learned, thanks to a friend, that it is not necessary to divulge everything.  Less is more.  There are other outlets.

 I guess I will take my temporary safe place  for now but I really need to find that happy place again. 

Who am I? Well I know who my sister is...

As you might know, at 37 years old I struggle to find myself.  Who I am and where I want to be.  Wait am I really 37?  Yeah, I'm trying to find where those years went. 

Some things I do know:
I'm competitive
I 'm in for a good thrill (double entendre) that rewards me emotionally and physically
I'm smart (double entendre?)
I like admire people
I like to express myself through writing and orally (double entendre)
I love to travel
I worship food
I like to take pictures of myself (see below for an example)

With that said, what am I looking for me to be:
A photographer?
A food critic?
A travel reporter?
A television personality?

Let me be clear, those things would never define me.  What defines me is my passion.  Don't mistake that!! So who I am looking to be will I remain?

A passionate, strong willed, intelligent, want it all for myself and my family, chica.  Got it?  Good.  Can you feel my mood today?

Which leads me to my sister Michele Karlsberg, an amazing and resourceful lesbian woman after her own passions.  Check out and purchase her new writing contribution "The Isle Of Staten" featured in Love, Christopher Street Reflections of New York City.  It is an amazing volume of essays including a work of art by Jewelle Gomez. 

Michele Karlsberg, Pluto, and Victoria Werner

Nos vemos pronto..new blog coming on double entendres (can you see the foreshadowing?)

Have You Ever Found Yourself...

It's been some time since my last blog. I always thought I was technologically savy but apparently I couldn't figure out how to continuing writing this blog since there was a system upgrade.  But thank you to my technical guy!  I finally get to write. 
So much to say, so many things have occurred, so much to look forward to in the coming months without boring you....  Hey Happy Summer!!  So here's a picture to start.

Before I get to the nitty gritty (I'll get to that in the next blogs), here was a thought back in May but never got to finish.  And because I hate starting something and not finishing...


Did you ever notice?

When people:
Refer to everything with the same adjective...
Mine is Interesting.  Why is it that I say that?  Is it because it is interesting? Or is it because I have nothing nice to say?  Or is it the only word I can come up with at this time because the something that is being mentioned is something that I never thought of and need time to take in and evaluate; and then I could have a better discussion about the something that I immediately found "interesting?"
I do hear other people using interesting a lot lately when I talk with them.  I wonder what is actually going through their mind.

I heard this one at work: individual, a professional, calling people "Crazy as a bedbug."  Hmm and the person saying this...well what do you think? Interesting, eh?

I find people saying this a lot: lost my way-mentally and actually got lost on the way to a place.  Yes, haven't we all lost our way at some time or another?  I have many of those moments.  When I'm physically lost, I try to pull up Yelp or a map though.  And when I am mentally losing my way, I take a deep breath and try to smile and hope work to come back.

A new one but used well: Easy Peezy.  Kind of like the Staples easy button.  But more fun to say and well the situations might not all work out to be easy peezy, buy hey, why not believe!  It's always good to have an optimistic human being on your side!!

Until the next time.

THE END

All good things must come to an end-is that how the saying goes? I have issues with this statement and more so issues with endings in general.

Some examples:
Taking down a Christmas tree
Unpacking luggage
Drying the dishes
Dying


I have a  hate-hate relationship with unpacking luggage.  I hate it because the act of unpacking my luggage is troublesome and irritating. Tedious at best.  But I really hate it because it means that my vacation has come to an end.   

Taking down the Christmas tree means wrapping every ornament carefully and trying to fit them back in the storage container that they fit in a month before, but now, all of a sudden, they are not fitting back.  So in the end I throw some things away.  It also means a new year is approaching.  A new year with new thoughts.  But how long does that last?  New can only be so new for a short time.  Or is it always new?  The hope of a new year and the wonderful family time that you had before Christmas silently fades.

Drying the dishes.  Hate it.  That's why I have a dishwasher.  But when grandma and Aunt Jay were alive a yummy dinner was prepared and served; and time for clean up usually meant gram would wash and Aunt Jay would dry.  But when my sisters and I were told asked to help them, we would get to choose wash or dry.  I usually chose dry because, first off nobody trusted me to clean, and anyway I really didn't like to get my hands dirty (still don't).  But drying meant you were the last person to be done.  You didn't get to pick out the television show to watch.  You didn't get the seat you wanted on the couch.  You were lonely in the kitchen.  And dinner time was over which meant a new day was going to be upon us soon.

Dying.  Well.  I understand that it is a part of the full cycle of life.  I understand that it is usually a natural progression of a living organism.  May it be a human body or a flower, death just does not become me.  I fear the after life (whatever that may be). I fear that no talking will be involved.  No hugs.  Nobody that I know.  No television shows.  No laughter.  No emotions.  No life.   

Thus I choose to live my life while I can.  In the end, my choice might bring excitement or adversity; loyalty or exclusion; control or chaos.  

Any which way I am bound and ready for limitless endings.  So bring it on!

Ohh. An after thought..Orgasms...an end...a good end...usually...but it does mean the end of a good sexual encounter. And onto the next...
Yes, bring it on!

Keeping your Eye on the Prize

It's not about the crown...

"After all of this that it’s not about a crown, it’s not about a winner, it’s not about the judges, the clothes, the fleeting fame, the trip to Las Vegas, it’s about love."

              -Mallory Ervin, Miss Kentucky 2009, 4th Runner up at Miss America 2010


It's more about the journey and the passion that carries you through.


The Miss America Pageant took place in January in Las Vegas.  And, in the past I have shared the live experience with my mom.  We travelled to Atlantic City (okay so it's my mom's second home-not much of a travel, but I'm talking about the experience), and when the pageant moved to Vegas, we followed (not too shabby for my mom). 
I was once a part of the organization: As a competitor in Miss Staten Island, Miss Binghamton, and Miss Syracuse; and as a board member of Miss Staten Island and Miss Richmond County.  Now I am a spectator: Who cries sits in awe during the bathing suit and the question portions; and forget about what happens to me when I watch them name the top 3.  Chills, dreams floating by, and cries of achievement, proudness, and the love of competition come over me. Feels like it was just yesterday, right Christine and Kimberly?
Recently I had the pleasure of sharing photos of my pageant days.  The joy overcame me again.  Even though I never achieved the crown, I was runner up. Runner up! In no way will I ever say that it was never enough. And in life if I am never the top, el jefe, the best, The one.

So as to continue on my last post, achievements are great but not achieving yet collecting thoughts from them is as good.  Well, at least that's what I am telling myself.  And it's not just the collection of the thoughts though.  It's the reflection. 

Thought: I might never be "The one." Reflection: I never thought I would be.
Thought: I'll never be on top.  Reflection: Sure I will-in bed.  But really, from the top where can you go, down? Not on my to do list.
Thought: I'll never be the best.  Reflection: I don't need to be the best.  I need be at MY best.

Please think of me during the next 3 months-I aim to achieve. But I know the journeys will be amazing and the experience like no other.

Journey through the adventure of life

It feels like it's been forever since I have last written.  And I have truly needed to write just haven't found the time.  I know...make the time! So here I am making the time.  So many thoughts to gather and hone.  So many feelings to sort.  So many achievements to celebrate.

Achievements First:
*In January, I signed up for Super Charged and Slim in 7 days. A healthy (mind and body) program coached by MomsCoachForLife.  This program introduced me to recipes made with some foods I have never heard of and some I would never touch.  Or so I thought.  Mushrooms, dandelion greens, chard and kale. Enough said.  I loved all the recipes minus the beets.  And some I still incorporate into my daily life.  The program also gave me an outline of what healthy mindful things can be done to make us less stressed during my day.  Cleansing my impurities with an Epsom salt bath in the AM and sometimes PM.  15 minutes of heaven.  And in my new jacuzzi; it's wonderful.  Also, a morning thought or motivation tried to keep me on track.  Not so much.  Ohh and the coffee withdrawal...OMG.  But I haven't drank coffee with milk since then.  And I have it maybe every other day.  All in all, the program was worthwhile and I recommend that you take a peak at her other programs.  Super Charged- sure!  Super Slim-not so much.  But that's okay.
*In February, I applied for a Fellowship.  I didn't get it but I needed to find some kind of achievement in the situation.  I dug deep on this one.  After much thought, it was an accomplishment that I was able to decrease my resume from 3 pages to 1 page.  Sound bitter?  Well it was a feat!  And next year, I will work smarter in order to get the fellowship!
*I went through the month of February without celebrating my birthday every day! But the celebrations that I had were amazing.  Very thoughtful and always good food and drinks abound!
*In March-I started amping up my workouts.  And I'm loving my back and shoulders, and arms as a result.  Waking up at 5am, after sleeping in a bed with the ever cuddling Dan, is one hard task.  But I do it and I am super glad that I do it! Thanks to my workout partners and trainers it makes it all fun!  And I get Dan to come with me to my night workouts and he loves it too! 
*So it's still March...even though it seems like May.  I love this weather. I will be picking up my running and working on my core.  Can you believe my trainer today, said wow, looks at those guns?  And he doubted my ability and endurance.  I'm super proud of the curves!!! 

I think I will save my thoughts and feelings for later.  But I leave you with this:

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."Friedrich Nietzsche

Tell me your thoughts!! 

Megan's Chicken Sausage & Uncle Ben's White Rice

Megan's Chicken Sausage & Uncle Ben's White Rice: I just voted for 'Megan's Chicken Sausage & Uncle Ben's White Rice' in the Ben's Beginners Cooking Contest. Vote from 9:00am PST 2/27 - 11:59pm PST 3/11 to help them win $20,000 and more. Let's get kids cooking!

Celebrity Sighting

As you might know, I had appeared on Rachel Ray after going on a 3 day Flat Belly Diet in 2008 after having my baby. Well now my niece Megan wants to follow in my footsteps (not really) and appear on the show for winning the Uncle Ben's Beginners Contest!!! She's cooking and I'm eating!

Check out her video here as she cooks Chicken Sausage and Uncle Ben's Rice.  Count how many times she says Uncle Ben's, it's hilarious.  Her cutting skills are very safe and much better than mine! Her commentary during her cooking demonstration is awesome!!!  YOUR VOTES COUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Along with the Rachel Ray appearance, she could win $20,000 in cash and her school cafeteria makeover.  And if you go to a New York City Public School, you know they need a makeover!!!!
So just do it and Vote here EVERY DAY!!
Just so you know how much she wants this:
I saw her on Saturday for a family birthday celebration and she walked in wearing rocking her chef hat and jacket and asked if we could record a video promoting the voting contest.  She created a short script, my son held up the cue cards and there she recorded it on the iphone. She's handing out fliers to every parent and child at her school and has asked all family and friends to post on every social network.  My niece never wants anything.  This, she wants and she DESERVES!!!
Also, she has a nervous stutter that you don't even hear in her video.  KUDOS to her and thank you for taking a quick second to vote for her!!!
Leave a comment on my page letting me know if you voted and what you thought of it.  A FREE piece of Lia Sophia jewelry is waiting for a random winner!!!

Meet the Tweet

I was so excited today when Greg Mocker from WPIX contacted me via Twitter. Instead of meeting up for pizza, we talked about good eats on Staten Island. For those of you who know me, I talk about food like I was having the best sex ever. But today was only a quick review of a great sandwich find on Staten Island. Hope you tuned in and hope you stay tuned to my blog. Good things are ahead!
Support Stop SOPA! Unless you will be censored!

What to believe in?

 I ask these questions all the time:

Do I believe what I hear or read about the Catholic Church through the Catholic Church?
Do I believe what I hear or read about regarding American History?

And then there is the self reflection:
Do I believe in anything I do or say?

So what gave the Vatican II the privilege in the early 1960s to integrate modern human experience with church principles based on Jesus Christ?  The council that formed to assist in making these changes were made up of not only Catholics, but also Protestant and Eastern Orthodox believers.  What came of this?
To new the church? A more modern church?  Changed Eucharistic fasting from midnight until Mass that day to a three hour fast before mass. Does anyone know why they fast before taking the body of Christ?

Kneeling-I always had an issue with this.  Because of the Vatican II, communicants no longer knelt down at a rail to take the host, but continued to stand. Does any average Catholic know why we kneel at certain points in a mass.

And the most dramatic change was the idea of what it meant to be a Catholic.  By 1965, to be a Catholic now meant to believe more or less anything one wished to believe, or at least in the sense in which one personally interpreted it.  One could be a Catholic 'in spirit'. One could take Catholic to mean the 'culture' in which one was born, rather than to mean a creed making objective and rigorous demands.

So here we are 40 Years later. The Church has changed the celebration of Mass. And the very reason that many of those 1960s changes were made have just made some Catholics question their believability in of their religion.
Those Catholics that they welcomed back to Catholicism in 1965 just got discouraged.
Modern not anymore. 
We now have a vernacular more faithful to that of Latin. So for some of those "Catholics" mentioned above, the changes have proved to be an univitation to believe in the Catholic world.

Okay, that was a long rant about religion thus I won't get into American history. Today.

But one last reflection question I must tackle: Do I believe in anything I do or say?
So my mantra this year is New Year New Thoughts.
I have chosen to create new intentions for the year and believe in them.
More Clarity and less Reality.

“Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.”  Albert Einstein