Times Have Changed

Remember the times when you didn't have a care in the world? Maybe it was as an infant, teenager, or college years. Maybe it was when you were single or you didn't have a child? Maybe you still don't have a care. A care for other people's opinions of you, more specifically.

This last holiday week has given me the opportunity to examine and reflect on my cares.  Some trivial yet some so important.

A new year is approaching: 2012.
My motto and mantra for 2012: Think new Thoughts for the new year!

What are some of your new thoughts for the new year?????? Leave me a comment! Some of mine to follow!!!
Happy New Year to all.

Fall Flat

I took part in the Fall Flat in Staten Island. A 5K run through the trails in Willowbrook Park.  That was not exactly that flat with the leaves, tree trunks, mud puddles, and bridges.

I did it
On a whim
With
No training
Because I
Needed a motivator
I
Needed something to look forward to

In the end I felt amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was something I didn't tell anyone about.  I didn't ask for a cheering section (even though the DeToma Family was nice enough to great me at the finish line). 
I did this for me
I did it

I am not a runner if you don't know me
I really didn't want to run
I found it more difficult than I thought

What helped me?
I did it for me
I had some good music going
The scenery was beautiful

The finish line even more so beautiful

The person I want to be

I have become that person. 
You know that person?
The person I despise.
The person who talks the talk but does not walk the walk (in some instances).
The person who says they are stuck.
The person who quits fighting the fight because it's the easy way out.
The easy way out?
Is there such a thing as the easy way out???
My fellow bloggers, Dori and Jobo, talked about quitting (failure to complete a marathon) and divorce (a failure of marriage), respectively, in their recent posts.  These posts made me think (smarter).
Whatever we decision we make, we are not quitting nor are we a failure.
We make decisions because we need to.
Life is made up of gray matter.  We no longer live in a black and white world.  And some decisions we need to make aren't at all colorful but...
Life needs to be lived.

Dark Versus Light

Happy Halloween to all.  It's been a little while since my last blog... I have been wanting to write about this interesting topic for a while and I finally found the time. Doing it in the dark or the light.  So, this time I am not talking about sex.  That would be an interesting free writing piece though.  And the analysis would tell a lot more about me.
This is about exercising.  Another fun and sweaty activity.
My exercise activities include jogging, spinning, yoga and Bikram hot yoga, and all of these are done in different lighting situations.  And I think there must be a reason for each...And now I believe that we do many things in different lighting due to how we want to feel during the event. 
For yoga, the lights are usually off or quite dim. I go to yoga to stretch, to build strength, and to relax by putting all my thoughts aside.  The lights help me to get to a place where I still feel present in the moment yet allow myself to escape the everyday happenings that usually hold me back. When I go to yoga, I want to feel alive yet calm, and with the lights turned down, it helps my body to become a flowing entity one with peace yet thoughtful and alive.   
For spinning, the lights are off  and I couldn't figure out why.  I needed to know where my peddles were, I needed to balance myself when we were jumping (and I thought the lights would help me?), I needed to see my instructor and mimic her moves since I can't  hear her because of the loud music, and I needed to see my peers and see what they were doing. However after a lot of thought, I don't need the lights on. I actually prefer the darkness for this exercise. The darkness helps me to get to a place of self-imagination.  Did I just make this phrase up? I place myself somewhere with a goal, a destination may it be or an attainable sustainable goal. I ride the course to get there and only concentrate on the work that is being used (that I am doing) to get there. I do not worry about competition, the way I might appear to someone looking in, nor the "leader" in front of the room.I do not worry, I just do it.
For Bikram Yoga, the lights, fluorescent lights, are turned on to the max! When I first entered in the room the lights were lower and then in walked the instructor who turned those bad boys on full force. I couldn't figure out why he did this. Then I finished the class.  The lights, the extreme heat, not normal occurrences. But if you think about it, when we are in times of struggle and confusion, conditions and our senses are heightened, and in the end we stress out and panic. I think with Bikram and it's intensity of light, I might, emphasizing might, be able to calm down during a scenario and think about my actions better than I would if I had never taken hot yoga.
So do I prefer it with the lights on or off? I always have my light dimmer if I can't decide.

Walks for Causes

I promised a give away today-info follows after the blog entry!

Today I dedicate my blog to some causes that I personally have a stake in.  I will be participating in 2 walks in September and October.  The first walk is next weekend for the Staten Island Family Path Center.  The PATH Family Center is a clinical center in Staten Island that offers integrative and nutritional interventions for individuals diagnosed with Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Food Allergies and other related conditions.
My best friend's son, Joseph, has been diagnosed with Autism since a young age and has made so many strides because of the love and support of family and friends and because of the network within the Path Family Center.
Here is the link to find out more and donate to Joey's Team:
https://pathfamilycenter.dojiggy.com/pledge/index.cfm?585F2208107477787F0C0168127037562F437902057B750504#.TjbbHVwsMBw.facebook

The second walk is in October, the Nationally dedicated month for Breast Cancer Awareness.  I have come to know many people diagnosed and treated for breast cancer within the last 5 years.  Why has this Cancer so many women? Maybe because it is because of my age bracket we are more susceptible, or maybe it's because we are more aware, or maybe it is the environment in which we live that affects the well being of our body. 
Most recently, a young woman in my family became very aware of a lump in her breast after a self check.  She immediately took action.  Women, learn a lesson here: know your body, own it, and take care of it!  Here is the link to Kristin's story: http://makingstrides.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCFY12Eastern?px=22809320&pg=personal&fr_id=36013

I know that there are many walks for wonderful causes: causes that may have directly or indirectly affected you, a family member, a friend, co-worker, neighbor, etc.  There are many to walk for and raise awareness.  There are many that need our support. 

If you decide to donate to either of these two causes by Saturday at 11:59PM, please leave a comment with your information so that I can enter you in a drawing for Lia Sophia Jewelry.  Your choice of any item under $100 in the Lia Sophia Catalog for free.  If you repost on your twitter or facebook accounts, also please let me know and I will give you an extra chance in the drawing!!! 

The drawing will take place on Sunday morning.  Also, if you want to check out more about Lia Sophia, I am an Advisor in the Tri-City Area (NY, NJ and CT), so please check out my page for more information.

Every woman is the embodiment of beauty, only she knows how to make herself be beautiful, internally and externally.

Juror # 9

This blog has been a long time coming.  It is an experience that ripped me a part for a long time but I must write about it.

Back in March, I was selected for jury duty and became juror #9 on a trial of a 22 year old black male. The case was a home invasion burglary.  The alleged crime took place in the neighborhood off of Bay Street near Hylan Blvd in Staten Island in March 2009. The suspects were black guys: Black masked men. The mask they wore were black, one in which had with white stripes.  And the men were black; Six feet tall and well built.  They wore black jackets. 
So what's the trend here?  A lot of black and very vague descriptions of those involved.

Did they wear gloves? Nobody was sure, which was evident when hearing the cloudy testimony. There were guns though.

Ironically, the cops lost their written notes from that day.  Questionable?  There was no fingerprints anywhere in the house. So, was everyone wearing gloves?  Victim included?  Because there was a lot of blood on walls and on the floor.  Not one fingerprint?  Not of the home owner and alleged victim who held the glass door open for the unmasked black man who asked if "John" was home. Not one! Not one witness, not the man who got beat up, not the neighbor that saw the men walking away from the house, not anyone who saw the black men walking up a street where everyone has lived for about 20 years. The only proof that we the  jury ever heard was the DNA on the mask that somebody left in the middle of the kitchen. 
So let me recap: No written notes from the cops; No physical description of any of the 4 men; DNA on a mask; no fingerprints in the entire house. Okay so the DNA alone should  prove that the male was in the house and committed everything he was charged of. Should it? The defendant decided not to take the stand-he didn't have to because it was up to the ADA to prove his guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

Unfortunately life is not that easy and to make a decision simply based on this proved to be a tough 11 day trial.
The jury: 2 older white women that immediately said guilty. DNA on the mask found at the scene is enough to say he did it.
2 men and  2 older women of different ethnic groups and 6 young women of various backgrounds.
Others  gradually turned their verdicts to guilty as time went on every morning we reported; however 2 of us were standing on our ground.  We couldn't  see past the reasonable doubt factor. Would this be a hung jury or would we all come to an agreement? We asked many questions of the judge; and constantly asked to hear the testimony several times.  The defendant's lawyer loved us.  The Assistant District Attorney team, not so much.

These were some of the reasons why the 2 of us couldn't get to a guilty verdict so quickly: No fingerprints; A mask with DNA could have been placed there; The cops' notes disappeared from an office where only the detective had access to.
 The theories surrounding this event were many: The son of the owner was a drug dealer and in partnership with the black men. The son stole some of the profits and they were looking for him to pay them back and the parents were protecting their son; The cops were out to get this kid because he was a known problem in the neighborhood; It was a part of a gang initiation of some sort; It was the kid's mask that his friends made him wear for fun or a part of another crime, however he wasn't at this burglary; The kid did another job with them and he turned someone in so now they were casting revenge on him; They had taken his mask and one of the men dropped it in the middle of the bloody mess in the kitchen on pulse, because what fool would take of his mask while punching a man and then drop it?
Some of these theories are out of the box but when you are on a jury, you are making a decision that affects many peoples' lives, it's one difficult task!  

The bottom line is that I am the type of person that needs all to come to some agreement.  I need to make decisions thoughtfully.  As time went on, I was the only one holding on to a not guilty verdict.  They hated me! I was keeping them from going back to work, going to Atlantic City; but I did get them some more free yummy meals.
There were several counts we were considering, so as time went on, I used logic and fact, and stopped using theories and said well if his DNA was there then I guess he was there. I feel like we were trapped and needed to come to a decision.  I feel like the jury system failed me, a person who really wanted to make an informed decision.     
Let me state, I never want to be judged by a jury of my "peers." And thank God I don't have to serve on any jury for another 8 years!!!!  

Here are two links to the story written by the Staten Island Advance.  Usually I am a fan of the media; but did find it interesting how a story gets distorted.  I did come to find out, though, that he was originally brought to trial on this alleged where a hung jury preceded us.  Thus I felt even more distressed about the decision to find him guilty.  But I did raise my hand and affirm him as guilty. 

http://www.silive.com/northshore/index.ssf/2011/03/felled_by_his_ski_masks_dna_22.html

http://www.silive.com/northshore/index.ssf/2011/05/west_brighton_felon_gets_15_ye.html

Bikram and Vinyasa Yoga Review

Finally my review!
Last month, I had taken Yoga religiously to help get rid of my negativity and to focus on bettering myself and those around me.  I tried 2 different places.  One is in Staten Island, close to home and the other is in Brooklyn.  So here are the pros and cons of each.  If you are in the neighborhood, I would recommend each of them for different reasons.

Bikram Yoga Bay Ridge
What to wear:
Men-no shirt and nice littlee yoga shorts or jogging shorts.
Women-nothing...no just kidding.  Hot Yoga costume (similar to a bikini but a little more modest).  Dress varies though: yoga pants, short shorts, tank tops, bikini tops, t shirt.  Be comfortable but get ready to sweat.
Schedule:
I went to classes at different times of the day, preferring the time slot of 6AM weekday or a 8AM Saturday.  But  I did go after work as well.  I think the AM class really jump starts my day in a positive way.   
Environment:
The studio is a good size, room for about 40 people to practice.  I was there once when it was pretty packed but as long as I could see myself in the mirror and I was able to stretch my arms and legs apart to the sides during postures then I was okay  The room does have carpet which does hold a smell that could turn people off but some days that was better than others.  I have spoken to other people and they do prefer studios with no carpet but what I don't know I can't compare.  The instructors are LOUD and the lights are BRIGHT.  The room itself is HOT, 105 degrees hot.  But that is what is to be expected and I love it!  I do, at times, have trouble with lasting through the 90 minutes, in my mind.  But the fans going on at times and the door opening does help a little.  But what's to be expected, I did sign up for Bikram Yoga!!!
The changing area and showers for the women is a bit small.  While waiting on line for a very quick 2-3 minute rinse off, you are in someone's way.  I wonder if hey could have made the hallway a little smaller and expanded the women's changing area a little bigger.  Forget personal space here and abide by the very short shower time!  
Instructors:     
Okay.  I took classes with 5 different instructors.  I preferred some of them over others.  Really loving 2 of them.  So why you say?  Well, I thought some of them were mean-no encouragement just scripted class. Then the other 2 even though hard core, had a personality!  I was not looking for the soft spoken teacher but I was looking for something I could enjoy and personally I like to be pushed but with personality. If not, then I could  just get the DVD and do it at home in my own heat.  So I asked if I could call and see who the instructors were for some time slots and was told NO.  I understand the concept.  Come when you can.  Come twice a day but do not come based on the instructor.  I am guessing that if this was possible, some classes would be packed and others not so much.  Funny thing is that the one instructor that I liked least was participating in a class that I attended and she had to stop during poses and didn't push as hard as I thought she would have based on her commentary in class!  Shows you that the class is for people at any level.
Overall: 
I have signed up for a package!  I liked it and as I go more, I learn the poses and Bikram approach better.  I also learned to stop wiping my sweat constantly for 2 reasons-the more you wipe, the more your body works to sweat; sweat is helping your body cool down; and it does help in better positioning for many of the poses.  I also learned not to drink too much water during the class because it does make you feel sick.  So a little sip here and there is perfect. 

This is a Bikram quote and it really sums up how you should feel after a class:
“If you can find stillness in a Bikram classroom you can find stillness anywhere.”

The Willow  Hot Vinyasa Yoga
What to wear:
Men-shorts and a tank top.  Women-yoga pants and tank top or shorts and a tank top.  Be comfortable.  Very similar to a non-hot Yoga class.
Schedule:
You have very little choice here.  Wednesdays it is offered in the evening at location #1 and Thursdays it is offered at location #2 also in the evening.  That's 2 classes total.  The time works for me but not for many Staten Islanders who work in the city, have families, etc.  Choice is always good.
Environment:
Studio is a good size with room for about 10-15 people.  The room calls for 80-90 degree temperatures but I don't feel it.  This studio is used for many other types of practices, including zumba, pilates, and dancing, for example so the temperatures are probably cooling for them and the quick switch over is not enough time.  They provide mats and it is very clean.  Room is dimly lit with relaxing music in the background however the noise from the passing train really does run me off course at times.    
Instructors: 
Both were very nice.  However I preferred the Wednesday evening person better.  She gave alternate suggestions for beginner, moderate and expert Yogi and showed each.  Her words are from the heart, not read from a paper.  Her vibe is what I had expected Yoga, in general, to be.  
Overall: 
I enjoy the Wednesday classes and will return each week.  However I do wish that it would be a bit more hotter.  Each time I go I get involved in more movement and examine and push my ability to pose and my ability to meditate.    

Here's another quote from the originator of Vinaysa Yoga:
“The more we sweat in peace the less we bleed in war.”  ~Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit

This was my low level critical review of my Yoga experiences last month.  Hope you enjoyed and hope it helps you decide if these are the places for you!

Not Just Another Blog about Hurricane Irene

I hope that all my East Coast readers are okay after the affects of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene.  I actually got less water in my basement than the last rain storm. But still, I was affected.  I was evacuated from my house and finally was able to turn the water on today as the sewer was overflowing until late last night.  When will the politicians give us the voice we need with the Department of Environmental Protection (DEP)? James Oddo and James Molinaro need to step up to the plate and protect families across Staten Island! 
Enough ranting about this. 

So, like I said, I was evacuated because I live in Zone A, so we headed out to the other side of Staten Island to stay with my sister.  Can you believe that we were charged $25 per person to stay there.  Food, water, and electricity were extra!  Well, that's what our "welcome sign" said.  We didn't pay up however I think our presence alone there was worth more.

After turning the check valve, closing the trap, and ensuring the fish were fed, we headed out to my sis' house.  I brought tons of snacks and food for Danny and me, and cupcakes from the Little Cupcake Bakeshop so we can share.  Yes sometimes I share the cupcakes.  Side note-I had headed to Bikram Yoga on Saturday before IRENE hit for many reasons, but getting over the Verazzano Bridge for FREE was an added bonus and well worth the cupcake exchange. 
My sis had also bought cupcakes from Crumbs so Saturday night and Sunday afternoon was a cupcake eating gala!  The Peanut Butter & Jelly and Chocolate Chocolate from Little Cupcake Bakeshop won for me.  Followed by the Coconut cupcake from Crumbs. 
We arrived around dinner time on Saturday so my sis' husband started to cook up Turkey Meatballs and Pasta.  For Daniel, they became known as Star Wars meatballs, and they were a hit.  He would have NEVER eaten these if we were home, even if I said they were Star Wars meatballs.  NEVER.  Why is this?  Why is it that he eats when he's not at home????
Daniel and my niece had a great time playing together dress up and Star Wars, and Power Rangers.  It was quite a funny view though regarding the adults.  There we were watching the news since it was the only thing on.  And where was Staten Island in the forecast????  The forgotten borough.  I digress.  We listened and watched for hours.  But not only did we watch TV, we also sat right next to each other on the coaches, at the table, and played with our I Phone or I Pad.  How sad, right?  It was our turn on Words with Friends though; and I needed to check out the Facebook and Twitter updates from my friends.  My brother- in -law called us all out on this-but come on-we might not have electricity in the next few hours-so now was our time to not communicate since that is all  we might be doing in the upcoming hours; maybe days. Lions and Tigers, oh my!
By the end of the evening, we were tired physically and tired of watching the News.  So off to sleep we headed.  The next morning, we woke to no hurricane but warnings of a tropical storm.  Okay so maybe my roof will not fly away this time!  My brother in law cooked breakfast and Danny ate the eggs and white bread.  Again, I am floored.  Sunday we hit the technology again but we did at one point sever our hands away and play dome face to face games.  Uno, Scrabble Slam, and Right Left Center it was!  Daniel played Barbie Dolls (he was Ken); Meg and Dan made cookies; and we watched the Justin Beiber movie.  Okay, side note-I really liked the movie.  Sad but true.  Made me think about Dan's abilities and how he will shape into a handsome and successful young man.  Possibilities are there.  All he needs is an opportunity!
Now it was time for lunch.  you see how I am centered around food.  Always at the core of my life.  I had asked for Salami when my sis was the deli since I really don't love Turkey and do not like ham!  So I had a salami, spinach, mozzarella panini with a side of Fritos! Yummo.  Daniel had peppered turkey rolled.  He had 4 slices.  Another wonderful accomplishment.  I am talking about the peppered turkey with the  red edge filled with hot pepper flakes.  WOW!  And he ate it all in a minute.  Along with the Doritos that I had brought for him.  Some more down time-bathroom breaks and computer time I mean.  And then it was time for dinner.  Dan and Meg made English Muffin Pizzas (EMP).  I said my kid is not going to eat this.  He might make it if we are lucky but he is not going to eat it.  I mean they put cheese, sauce, garlic powder on the English Muffins. He doesn't eat pizza without turning it over and eating the crust alone.  Surprise! He ate one half of the EMP.  Enough said. 
My sis should babysit him more often.  Especially since she gave him 2 baths in less than a 24 hour span. 

Staying Focused

I am writing this blog entry on my 36 and half birthday.  Yes, I celebrate my half birthday, even at 36 years old. Why not?  There will be a time when I probably do not or cannot celebrate.
This week after writing my blog on getting rid of negativity...we were victim to another sewage flood in my home.  That would be the third time in a year and a half.  The home that have I lived in for my last 36 and one half years has been flooded twice in 25 years.  So why so much now.  Oh I can rant for a while on this but basically the New York City Department of Environmental Protection has sewer issues.  They realigned the sewer system but the overflow was never accounted for.  So the overflow flows into our homes. Fun times right?  Having sewage fill your basement, your child's playroom, ruining hot water heaters, furnaces, furniture, personal affects, and washer and dryer for the THIRD time is always a party.  We protected our home with so many gadgets to stop the flow but nothing can hold back the ravaging sewer water from our city.  My claim to the city was denied; my home insurance was cancelled-as a result finally found someone who would cover my home for double the cost minus the flood insurance; and spent a lot of time, effort, and money to fight the cause to no avail.  And here we are again.  We do understand that the DEP and the City has been working on changing the sewer system technology to alleviate the issue at hand-so you ask-why are they not taking responsibility for my claim when they clearly know there is a problem.  Good question!!!!  That's why I am ready to fight.  
You can hear my news coverage from WPIX morning news with Sukanya Krishnan.
I will work on this but I did want to say that my monkey mind (a new term I learned in Yoga-that I will definitely be blogging about) has been somewhat focused due to my jogging and my hot yoga that I am afraid I am going to get addicted to-which could be a problem with handling Danny time.  I too will work on that.
Join me next time for a review of my Yoga travels!  Here is a pic of something that I found cute.

Negativity and Getting Ahead

Has there ever been a person in your life that makes everything dramatic, stifles your growth, and simply produces a negativity around you? Has that person ever been yourself?

I know that I have had some issues in my life that has formed me into the person that I am today-the good and the bad.  But that's life.  I am sure that at times I can surround myself with negativity from other people and from myself but I need to overcome that negativity and not because somebody told me this (somebody did tell me this).  But I really believe that I need to rid myself of getting anxious in a spilt second like some that come before me.  There are times when getting anxious is like a disease and there are sometimes when it necessitates itself.  For example, the smear on the counter that was not cleaned well enough-disease-whereas making a long term decision that needs careful attention-necessary.  I lean to the disease side more so than the latter but I too will deal with this.
So I ask, what things can be incorporated into my everyday life that can assist me in not getting immediately anxious? And drinking every day is out of the question or that I could lead me to a very slippery slope. So I did ask some people and some people have great ideas. For example, Christine M. from moms coach for life has a wonderful consultation service that works both the body and the mind.  Check her out. Then the idea of Yoga came up, and I did research locations where I could like to go but all the places I find interesting would make me very anxious.  Lol;Yes.  Thinking about how to make time and to make sure my son is taken care of supersedes my Hot Vinyasa Yoga thoughts even though I really want to do it. And once there would I really let all go? Anywho, I found a place in Staten Island that does do this two times a week.  Is this enough? Or should this be a daily ritual? I think it should be a daily occurrence. Which leads me to I wish I lived in New York City.  There is so much opportunity there.
Then someone had spoke to me regarding mindfulness meditation. It's very cost effective since I just have to sit and do nothing so I do not have to find a place to go.  However I would have to find a place to go because my son is like an extension of me, always around. And is it even feasible for me to do this? I need an incentive. 
So for the last week I have tried to move and free my mind in the morning before my daily grind.  I have started to jog, not to win a race, but just to get moving and cleanse my mind. I also went to Atlantic City (another blog entry at a later time) so I decided to rent a bike for 2 days.  That feeling was wonderful and I can't wait to purchase a bike soon.  After jogging and biking and even thinking about other techniques, I think I feel a little less negative.

Hot in the City & Bucket List Update

On Friday, yes the hottest day in New York City since 1977, Danny man and I traveled in to the city on this Danny and mommy day!  We took the Staten Island Ferry, aboard the Guy V. Molinari, which is nothing like the Bermuda boat that we took 2 weeks prior. As Daniel exclaimed while taking in the lovely breeze on the deck, "I really do miss the Bermuda boat."  "Yes, me too, me too Dan," I responded.  Once we departed the ferry, we headed to the 1 Train.  Daniel decided to stay in his carriage for the ride up to 23rd Street and was excited to travel on the super fast subway which he referred to as the expressway. I tried to explain that the expressway is what we take when we are driving on in our car but he continued to call it that for the ride. Once we got to 23rd Street, I had to fold up the carriage and carry it up the stairs; Dan was very cooperative on this very hot day as he did get out of the stroller and walk up all the stairs without asking me to carry him.  The homeless man who was lugging his own gear up the stairs was also very proud of my little one, stating "kids need to get exercise and not be lazy; good job."  Well thank you very much Sir. 
We had reached our first destination which was out of the warmth and into a cool inside play place.  I had located a fun place City Treehouse which turned out to be small yet conducive to Daniel's needs.  A cool play area that had a slide and water play!  It was not crowded which I had expected otherwise, but I did make a reservation as I knew it was a going to be a hot one and I was sure many moms wanted their kids safe indoors.  Dan did get to play with some nice children who were escorted by their nannies, and their nannies took a liking to my child who was trying to share as opposed to some others.  They actually went to the other kids (who they were not looking after) and took the toys away from them and gave it to Daniel because he was doing the right thing.  Once our hour was up there, since my second hour would have cost $20, we headed out the door to the city streets.  Dan safely hydrated in his carriage and I trekking in the heat.  But I love the heat and I love the City even more.  So with a short stop in Macy's and Victoria's secret while he was nicely sleeping in the stroller, we finally ended up at Times Square.
Times Square is one of my top 3 places in NYC!!!  I love to take it all in as I am a dreamer and a people watcher.
Daniel was still sleeping and I was starving! So I ended up at Bubba Gump's.  I wasn't a tourist but sometimes you need to act like one.  My lunch was yummy and peaceful.  I had the Pear and Berry salad with raspberries, feta cheese, pears, pecans, and strawberries.  Light and refreshing. But before that , I indulged in Bubba's Far Out Dip.  So yummy with spinach, artichokes, peppers, and monterrey jack cheese.  And I didn't have to hear Dan saying, "something stinks here."  This is what he usually says when I order the similar from Applebees.  I finished lunch and Dan was still sleeping.  the play time must have knocked him out.  But we were now standing in the middle of Toy's R Us and he still didn't budge.  I waited a half hour before I finally woke him up.  Because this was the real reason we were in the city.  He needed to find the perfect toy and he knew that the big Toy's R Us in New York City, the one with the ferris wheel, would have it.  We ended up in the Star Wars section for quite some time as he carefully examined every toy and chose wisely.  Finally he ended up with 2 Star Wars Jedi Fighter planes which were transformers that turned into Obi Wan and Anakin Skywalker. It was a win win for both of us: the toy was multipurpose and not expensive!!!
Then we headed to the ferris wheel and ended up on Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, which was perfect since it reminds him of Toy Story.  However while waiting on line, I noticed a little girls shirt highlighting her very own Bucket List.
A diversion from City Story...Her shirt detailed a drawing of a water bucket with many words coming out of it, going in it and surrounding it.  Come of those words included: service, respect, peace, patience, and self control.  Kudos to you little chica.  I loved it and found it wonderful to see that the young used Bucket List in such a creative, responsible, caring and adult like way! 
Back on track, literally.  Once our adventure was completed, we ended up travelling to Rockefeller Center to catch the D train to Yankee Stadium.  But not before a short stop at Magnolia Bakery.  As we waited for the train, it was Dan's responsibility to let me know when the train arrived.  So he needed to look out for the letter D (for Daniel) train.  He saw the M, F, and B and finally the D!!!  So off to Yankee Stadium we went where they aced that game against the Oakland A's 17-7.  Daniel's good vibes brought some good luck (not really) to the Yankees.  And I finally got a Yankee shirt.  I have held off for years because I couldn't find the perfect one.  But I finally did and I can't wait to wear it!  But since it is 3/4 length sleeves, that won't be until September! There's a long story that goes with this shirt, maybe even blog worthy but it'll wait for now.

Bucket List

When I first heard this term, "bucket list" I thought people were saying "fuck it" list.  Apparently though, a bucket list is, according to urban dictionary, A list of things to do before you die; coming from the term "kicked the bucket". Makes sense now.  However I think I am still going to refer to it as the fuck it list because it's creation is based on the fact "fuck it, I am going to die so why not get some things done."  Some of the things, I understand, can be dangerous, fun, simple, outrageous, big, small, or random. As I begin to create my own list, I take all of this into consideration.
If you remember, the newest tattoo I got says "forget regrets or life is yours to miss;" and a common thought out there is the people who fear death are those living with regrets.  So regret, I will not. And achieve I will.
Here are some things I came up with, and each day I add or cross out!
1-Create an autobiography (I have started by blogging)
2-Travel throughout Europe (was able to reach Italy, Greece, France, and Spain)
3-Horseback Riding Lessons
4-Skydiving
5-Hot Air Ballooning
6-Book a flight to anywhere for a weekend getaway on a whim
7-Make an impact on someones life
8-Travel throughout the United States (CA, NC, MD, VA, NY,NV, FL, NJ, PA, AZ, MA, CT, WA DC, conquered)
9-Be featured in a movie
10-Visit all the lighthouses throughout the United States
11-Get on Big Brother
Here I put together 11 things, however my list can go on and on.  But I have time. 
What's on your list?

Why I wrote this blog and topics not too be touched

I want to reiterate why I started this blog.  I started as a self help for me; and because I thought there would be people who can relate to my life; and because people might find humor in my antics.

I like to divulge; and if you didn't know what that means, according to the dictionary, it means to become publicly known.  I am a divulger!  I like to talk about myself; and sometimes, let me repeat, I do not have a filter.  Now should I be afraid to disclose my inner thoughts and secrets?  What will offend you, the reader?

What topics are off limits?  How much is too much?
Please leave a comment so I will be able to post my SEX blog which I found euphoric writing.  But the minutia might be too much. 

SEX in the life of a girl

Stop reading here if Sex talk makes you uncomfortable.  Or if you just came here because my post on Facebook or Twitter mentioned the word sex-I hope I do not disappoint. I had to think about how I wanted to approach this topic without giving too much detail but to say enough so you understand where I am coming from and where I need to go. So let me start by saying, I grew up in a house of mostly women.  We walked around the house naked and went to the bathroom with the door wide open.
Thus it was not difficult for me to go away to college and live in a dorm where all the females shared the bathroom and showers. It also helped me to undress in the room in front of my roommate and  make my way from my coed section of the dorm to the bathroom.  I just couldn't figure out why most of the other girls wouldn't undress in front of anyone-did they have something I didn't have? Did they think I was a lesbian? I didn't know then and I still can't figure it out now. 
The only odd thing about me being comfortable is that I do have body issues, especially in full nakedness.  I think it might have to do with the theory that there's nothing wrong with seeing a body in all it's glory.  It's like a piece of art.  And by the way, did you know that it's legal in New York for a girl to walk around topless in the public?  I found it surprising, since not many of us do it.  Oh well, that's because the majority of us don't share the view of our bodies with others.

Seeing a body is one thing; Touching a body is another.  And touching your own body is an entirely different topic that I can't go into here.  But if you have any thoughts, please leave me a comment since I think know I am one of the only girls in the world that doesn't masturbate.  And today one of my principals said something I thought was funny and correlated to this post.  She went to her gyno and he said "do you give yourself a breast exam?" She said, "no, why would I touch myself, that's what I pay you for."  I found this quite logical and amusing.  Moving on...

When I was younger, I believe I was 11, I attended a summer camp on Staten Island. And that is where I had my first kiss.  Thanks to a girlfriend of mine who showed me how to french kiss by demonstrating the motions on her hand and in the air.  I am not sure if that was the best methodology, however it got me through my first kiss.
But then came junior high school.
In junior high school, I become more aware that kissing was not enough for the boys. I, on the other hand, was okay with kissing, holding hands, and hugging. 
I can remember the first time I allowed a boy to go up my shirt.  We were under the slide in the neighborhood park while hanging out. 
I can remember the first time I touched a penis.  We stood on the corner of my block.
Fast forward a couple of years when touching became more involved.  While still in junior high school, I started dating high school boys so I had to give a little more to these boys.  I couldn't understand though how touching and sucking my boobs were getting these boys off; I mean my boobs are an extra piece of skin that some men also have.  And I really couldn't understand how they enjoyed a chick groping and yanking on their privates.  But maybe it was because I was inexperienced.  Or maybe I was disinterested and really didn't care about them getting off; or I really just wanted the affection not all the other shit. 

High School came and finally at 16 and a half, to the day, I had sex for the first time.  It was in my house, in my room, on my blue carpet.  And for the next 4 years this was the boy that I slept with, and he must have been the first guy that went down on me, and me on him.  Those encounters I can't really remember as I really didn't like either acts.  I need to stop here for a moment and really analyze this situation.  So bear with me. 

It is here where I was faced with many sexual and emotional situations, and as a teenage girl I thought I would have been more interested in experimenting with sex, but I wasn't.  I rarely wanted to have sex, and foreplay was really a stretch.  So when we were in the act, I found myself watching TV or just thinking-this boy is hot and I really should be enjoying this, but I am not.  I want to state that this issue was not with him.  The boy had the body and the parts that were amazing, and the sense of humor and the affection were there, but I just wasn't.  So now I ask, was it because I was worrying too much about me and my body, me and my ability, or me and the fact that I am never completely happy?

Fast forward to college, and if this boy is reading, don't be afraid and read on!  This is where I figured out a lot more stuff about sex.  So thank you.  I think I became more open (and this is subjective and relative to me) to experiencing and letting go; and I became fully aware that sex and all that goes with it, is more than the act itself but the emotions and foreplay that surrounds it.  It was more than "are we finished yet?"  It became a time where my thoughts had to go out of my head and just enjoy how he was making me feel.  It became less about feeling awkward . Many times, I needed to repeat to myself "don't be afraid to feel good and let go."  And it was the times in his fraternity house or his apartment when I wasn't in the mood but something about those blue eyes and his intelligence, oh, and clearly his manly parts, that allowed me to connect with him and let go of every uptight bone in my body.  So, he might disagree with some of my writings, but believe me, we had more sex in our time together than I did with the boyfriend before.

Let's rewind, fast forward, whatever; I am not sure anymore.  Just two more mentions because I have to come to some kind of closure for your sake.  And a note,  I will not point out the father of my child since a) I know he is reading and b) we've had our share of sexual and emotional issues that have not been faced. 

With that said, there have been 2 partners, in my lifetime of partners, that have really made me want to be with them every day, sexually and physically. Both of these people and these relationships, even though very different from each other, have a commonality, and apparently it's part of the "it" factor for me: They possessed the ability to make me feel as comfortable in my skin that I am ever going to get, allowing me to enjoy the sex.  With that, I mean not only was there was a sexual attraction, but the emotional and intellectual attraction averaged quite high. My worries seem to fade when around them.  And maybe it had to do with the circumstances around our relationships that allowed me to have a no stakes attitude.

Let's recap: I struggle with sex and all that goes into it. Sex is both an emotional and physical thing for me; EMOTIONS usually winning.  That's it; it's much more than being comfortable.  It's about being emotional. Passionate. Expressive.

So here I am today with good experiences and bad experiences, and just plain experiences.  Lessons learned and hopes for a healthy sex life from here on.

Decisions, Destiny and Daniel

"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity...Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been...Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."
~Anthony Robbins

We are all faced with decisions. It's a fact of life. It's what makes your life, your life. I believe that the doors we open each day decide the lives we live. Hence I live with an open door policy.
Decisions can be as easy as blue or black ink? Or as hard as do I want to make this change? Some people face decision making with ease, and others not so much. 
I take decision making very serious. I think about everything in detail in order to see the potential outcomes and their pros and cons. I tend to over think yes. But when there is a lot on the line, I have to.  I feel better about it.  Whether the decision is right or wrong, I make every conscious effort in making the right decision for me. At this point in my life, sometimes I wonder where I've been and who I am.  Thank you Irene Cara.

When I was competing in the Miss America local based pageants, and during job interviews, I usually got the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?"  My answers varied but they included: a former Miss America giving back to her community or a well rounded and influential employee working at Company ABC.  And the decisions I made at that time, I thought, would influence my chances in becoming all of those things. In reality, I competed in pageants each year and gave it my all being me; and educated myself and tried to build some smart working practices.
So after looking back in the past, I never achieved the Miss America crown and I didn't always get the job.  But it was the decisions that I made based on my analysis of who I wanted to be and how I would get there.  Those decisions were the hinges of my destiny. It was my decision to want and pursue.

Now let's look into my present and future. I figured out that my decision making is to make decisions not only for me, but also for my son.  His education, his friends, and his talents.  And all of the decisions that I make for myself will indirectly affect the life of my son. Who I associate with, how I deal with adversity, and how I present myself.

So now I ask where do I see myself in 5 or 10 years?  Still wanting and pursuing. Still making choices. Still singing-Always proving who we are; Always reachin' for the risin' star; To guide me far; And shine me home.

Trichotillomania

The earliest memory I have is when I was about 11 and in the 6th grade.  I was sitting in Math class learning Sequential I, and I pulled out an eyelash and placed and saved it in the middle of the red book.  This probably was not the first time, and certainly it was not the last time.
I remember my friends asking what I was doing and I really had no answer.  From then on, they  found it intriguing, and I found myself doing it more.  Fast forward to 8th grade when I had no eyelashes, fast forward to high school when I had scars all over my legs, and fast forward to college where I had scars in places I I would have never thought.  People would see there was something off about my face but could never place it.  People asked how I got the scars on my legs and I would tell them I fell in a rose bush.  Did they really believe me?  My son just turned 4 yesterday and we were looking at pictures of his first year of birth.  There was a picture of me in the hospital, leg up, getting ready for the arrival of my baby and there I spotted all the scars on my legs.  Wow.  I was doing this up until at least 4 years ago, when I was 32.  Actually it was not until recently, the past year and a half, that I decided enough was enough and I needed my body in better condition.
We can ask why I started to do this and I could blame it on my parent's divorce, low self-esteem, peer pressure with boys, my studies, hereditary, etcetera.  And I don't think I really ever found it, however it was told to me that it had to do with my perfection issues.  I need to be perfect, so the eyelash that was out of place was fixed by taking it out, which in turn, made others out of place which made me want to take more out.  And the ingrown hairs on my legs, my bikini area, and my underarms, well I had to get those out as they didn't look good.  Like my scars looked any better? What was I thinking?
So about a year and half ago, I started to laser my hair which impeded the ingrown hairs which had made me stop picking.  My eyelashes are beautiful and long and what's better than throwing on mascara and lip gloss and running out of the house looking completed.  Now, I can't say that I stopped the picking because I have no ingrowns, or things are better in my life or because I spent so much money on the laser so why would I ruin that.  I think know it's still a struggle for me to pull my hand away from my leg while I am reading, bored or getting stressed or driving and applying my makeup and seeing that an eyelash or eyebrow is not not cooperating.
Years ago I learned that I was not the only one out there who did this.  There are many people who have some form of what I eventually learned was called Trichotillomania,  the obsessive pulling of hair. 
I am writing about this at this time for three reasons.  There are many reality shows out there showing people with "weird" habits, and I am not sure if they make people feel worse or better about certain conditions they have; I have become more aware that I might not be the only one in my family to have had this tendency; and I have become more aware of the occasional pulling of my eyelash and picking my scabs which brings back many too many hard feelings.  Hopefully by  writing this today, I will not stress over the imperfection of a scab or a pimple that I NEED to to touch and feel and pick at; and I hope that you might be able to help yourself or someone you know who might have a touch of a habit, an addiction, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.
For more info on Trichotillomania check out http://www.trich.org/index.html

First Times

“No one can possibly know what is about to happen: it is happening, each time, for the first time, for the only time."

James Baldwin

In our lifetime, we will experience an abudance of first times. 

The first time you:

meet someone

kiss someone

hear your child's laugh

see your child's tear

ride a bike

write a story

sing a song

have sex

make love

cry over a relationship

get married

get divorced

get a  job

lose a job

travel to a foreign place

travel alone

take a risk

love someone

trust someone

I can go on. 

The point is that we should savor every first time. You never forget the first times, each time.

DisneyWorld Making Memmories

My son is not quite 4 years old and has been to Disney World five times.  And before he was born, I had made it there 5 times in my lifetime.  And one trip to Disneyland where his dad found out he was going to be a daddy.

We usually go to Disney for a Spring and fall trip.  This time was our first during Memorial Day weekend and Star Wars weekend to boot!  And boy was it busy. The lines were the longest I had ever waited on but well worth it, except Peter Pan.  Why do you have to wait for an hour for Peter Pan?  Really not the highlight of my trip.  And waiting on Winnie the Pooh for 40 minutes holding a sleeping baby-worth the wait since when he woke up when we got to the front of the line, he was the happiest!  But he did miss the new line cue which was fun and kept the little peoples minds' off of the wait.  Next time, I'll make sure he gets to play.
We only went to the parks 2 days out of our 6 day trip.  And we defeated three parks in one day!! This allowed us to take in the warmth and sun and relaxation. 
We stay on Disney grounds, this time at Pop Century, because of many reasons.  It is cost efficient.  You get transportation to and from the airport.  You get extra magic hours where you can get into the parks early and leave later than the regular park hours.  The Disney internal bus system and monorail system and ferry system.  The pool and resort accommodations.  The Disney magic all the time.

I have also stayed at Caribbean Beach Resort, a moderate resort, which was a bargain.  However last time I was in Disney the magic was lost due to a bad choice on the hubby's part.  Which has led me into the status of estranged wife.  Which has lead me further into a destructive marriage.  But onward to Disney 7 months later.  Even though the flashbacks at the parks and in the airport were present, good times were needed.  So after a stressful first night with a overtired non-eating child, I decided to claim the motto "Keep Calm and Carry On." And so I did, with the help of some drinks when I felt a nice moment turning into a horrible moment.
Since we go to Disney more often than the normal person, everyone always has something to say: it's not going to be special for Daniel; you'll get tired of the rides; you can go to an island for the amount you spend on Disney.  And to this, I respond:
-It'll always be special for him.  Every time he goes, he remembers what we did the last time and looks toward new things available.  This time, for example, he got to fight Darth Vader.  What's cooler than that.  Thanks to be great planning, we got to the park extra early and was able to sign up for Jedi Training Academy!  He was trained for the Jedi Master and then got to defeat Darth Vader.  He was super excited and told everyone that he fought and won against him! And his first ride on mommy's favorite Tower of Terror. 
-We never get tired of the rides.  He still loves the Buzz ride at Magic Kingdom , even after 4 consecutive rides.  We still love It's a Small World, even after 3 consecutive rides. And I can ride Tower of Terror a billion times!
-I am a pretty savy saver so Disney on a budget less than or equal to an island is fine for me.  I eat, drink, play, and RELAX for a very good price. And really, what kid wants to sit in the beating sun for 7 days straight. 

And anyway, we have Bermuda coming up soon!  And right after that, a return trip to Disney with Grandma for Mickey's not So Scary Halloween Party.  I have already reserved my dining experiences and am working on a deal for the hotel and air! 

My Grandmother lived untill she was 93

I lived with my grandmother until the day she died. She served as a second mother and comedic relief!
She was my pain in the ass that I loved to be around.  Every morning she would greet me with food and a hello.  And every evening she would bid adieu by asking me to fix something in her apartment. She was and always will be my "Arthur" from King of Queens. 

Three years have passed but I still feel her presence in the house that she lived and died in. Her clothes and sheets, her soap and shampoo, her pictures, are all still present in my home.  As she is.  In Daniel, my old soul, she lives.

Vittoria V. Petrillo Sunrise 1/14/15 Sunset 5/30/08 "God saw you were tired... With tearful eyes we watched you, and saw you pass away... God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best." Grandma, These were some of the words from your mass card and we chose these because we believe that's exactly what happened. We all remember that sudden horrible day, the look in your eyes and the last words that you whispered as you passed away how you wanted to. We also remember every other day we shared with you. For me, it was my entire life living with you. Every morning, I was greeted with a snack and a wave goodbye from your window. For many of us, it was your lemonade on a hot day or a hot chocolate on a cold evening. For some of us, it was the long phone calls or shopping adventures with you. For all of us, it is your truthfulness, stamina, and your beauty that carries us on. And unfortunately, for our little ones who didn't get enough time with you, we will make sure that your legacy is carried on. We miss you, We love you and We hurt without you. Until we meet again. Love Always, Heather, Margaret, Michele, Allison, Megan, Daniel, Vicky, Joe and Ronnie Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay, Your Children, Grandchildren, Great-grandchildren and entire extended family

Struggle with Perfection

Tattoos.
I have 5 in total as of today.
You ask what does that have to do with my struggle for perfection?  We'll get there.  I'm a little rigid, so there has to be a sequence apparently.  Hear my sarcasm?

I got my first, a shooting star on my right wrist, after my 30th birthday when I realized that I wanted to be a star.  Well, some might say that I've always wanted to be a star. And I probably would concur. But I'll get back to that.

My second, rosary beads on my left forearm, after my grandmother passed away.  I'm not a very religious person but she was like a God to me. She lived with me until the day she died and still does. I'll get back to that too.

My third is a photocopy of my son's hands when he was almost 2 with the alpha omega symbols separated by a star and followed by my son's name on my right forearm. That was a mouthful; You'll always hear about my shining star!

My fourth, and brand new tattoo, drum roll please....the Aquarius Pisces cusp sign, my first colorful tattoo, placed on my  right foot.  It was first for me but probably not the last and didn't hurt a bit! I decided on this water sign, not because I love water, because even though I love the beach, I really don't love water, but because my birthday falls on the cusp of the both signs and they truly do represent many of my traits.  I'll talk more about that shortly.

And my fifth, and also very new tattoo, is a quote on my left wrist "forget regrets or life is yours to miss." instead of me talking about this quote, why don't you ponder about it and leave me some comments my friends.

I did say that I would talk a little more about my reasoning behind the actual tattoos but I thought it was even more important to discuss  how somebody decides to mark their body permanently by inserting ink into their skin's dermis layer? Truthfully, I am not sure at what point I said I really want a tattoo and not sure when I thought it was okay to do this to my body because I really have some self image issues.  So why would I choose to highlight my hairy, Italian arms by decorating them with tattoos?  Why did I choose to use tattoos to identify myself?  For placement, I chose my forearms so that I could cover them up during work events.  Professional by day, me by night.  But that still doesn't answer why I decided to mark my body.  I am a perfectionist. Shocker.  Even though I never attain it, I strive for it; and I actually struggle with it.

Again, why did I mark my body permanently and continue to do so?  Well, it sure is addicting.  The pain is just right and the product is beautiful.  More so, I believe I do it because I have control over it.  By choosing which areas, how big or small, I am taking control of my self environment. I am taking control of my body and facing my self image issues.  By creating a palate, I am managing my feelings about what I think about me and what I think others think about me.
Got it?
Self image is the mental picture that depicts things that have been learned about myself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others. A simple definition of a person's self image is the answer to the question "what do I believe people think about me?"
I can go through a million thoughths as to what I think people think about me and what I think about me.  But to sum it up without going through that is what people always respond when they catch a glimpse of my tattoos is "I would never picture you getting tattoos, very nice."  Why so surprised?  Beacuse I look like a teacher, librarian, have a child, seem to have a wall up, not wild enough, former AP student?  What could it be? And therein lies my problem: Thinking about what people think about me. And probably thinking the wrong things; Struggling to be a perfect balance of sexy yet nerdy. 

As I write this blog entry, my son just said "mom, your tattoo on your foot is so nice." As long as I am perfect in his eyes, I am happy....
for now.
To be continued.

Success

What's your definition of a success?  I think that's a loaded question and only a novel can answer that thought for me. But let me tell you about the efficacious week I just had.  Really, in global terms, I don't think it really was a success  but maybe I'll think differently once I see everything in black and white.
Right now I am thinking that the only positive part is that I am still alive and kicking since it had been one crazy week. 

Communion times 2 were different and beautiful.  God Bless those kids touched by God.
Mother's Day was a success with brunch on Staten Island and a trip to Pt. Pleasant Beach. Love the beach!
The work week, however productive and memorable, was a feat.  Or was I defeated? 

• A phone conference that lasted 2 hours too long.  Really people, is this good human resource management?
• Late work meeting where buzz words like lever and leverage, used in relation to the pedagogical human capital in my workforce, are being used in every sentence with the hope of having it ingrained in our daily practices.  Really, haven't we all been levers in the organization? Isn't that why you keep us around?
• A evening school visit acknowledging how important the arts are in schools.  And being entertained by dancing children. An alarmingly good and funny experience; No question there.
• A Friday visit to Harlem. And no lunch visit on 125th?

  So, I said I might have a different point of view by now and I do.  For this week, my definition of success was the fact that I was able get up every day and maintain my job responsibilities in a professional manner. 
You agree?

Dwelling on Moments

You always want to remember a day the way that it actually happened, but the truth is that you can't.  Those moments in time are what makes a memory become, what I refer to as, a meta-fiction.  It's the closest to the truth that I can remember.  What's special about meta-fiction is the relationship between creator and created, reality and fantasy, and fiction and truth in which all are all open to exposition.  This makes self-reflection quite difficult though. 
Somebody told me that it's the moments, small increments of time, that fill up the pages of my autobiography.  And I agree; however my interpretation of what happened in those moments might differ from the actualities of those moments and my interpretation of the affects of those moments might differ from future parallel moments.  And what I believed to happen at that moment is not going to be what I remember and capture on the written page.  Thus in turn, my autobiography will become meta-fiction instead a work of non fiction. 
With that said, why does my autobiography have to be non fiction, do you think Ann Frank's Diary was an entirely true account of her moments?  No, it was based on her thoughts about something that happened earlier that day, even five minutes before; it was not written right then and there in the moment.
So I will continue to write my pages based on the moments I remember, without dwelling on the minutia and the distinction between true and false, hopes and facts, me and the meta-fictional character me.

What's the lesson here: A cluster of moments make bigger moments.  And those bigger moments are what makes my story.  My story is me.  Don't dwell on being myself.

Mother's Day

This will be my 3rd Mother's Day celebration thanks to my little man.  May we visit the beach after brunch!

And even though I might have been an "oops" baby, thank you mom for raising me as a single mom. 

And a big thank you to my grandmother, may she rest in peace.  It has been almost 4 years since your death and I still think of you and Aunt Jay daily.  You both were a large part of my life and made me into the strong woman I am today. 

Thank God I had 5 women raise me!

 

Summertime where are you?

Picture Blog Today!

SandDan

 Dan playing in the sand.  "Finally," he said

My Sand Angel

"Mommy, I want to make a snow Angel!"

Helicopter Escape at Jekinson's Point Pleasant Rides!

I said, "Don't go too far, and come back soon."

Some Things You Just Can't Tell People

You might know somebody like me.  Or maybe it's you.  I tend to have no filter when speaking with people.
You would think that there should be some on/off switch, but my filter has no limit.

My facial expressions-same idea.  I give it all away in my face. 
In college, I was nicknamed "blunt" for a short while until I realized that could go in a bad direction.  So for sorority life, I became "Frank." I loved the name, but wow, what did I say to those people to earn such a name?  ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!

What is appropriate to say to a co-worker during a meeting?
What is appropriate to say to a good looking and smart co-worker?
When is it appropriate to tell your best friend that I need some attention?
Is it appropriate that I respond "I would like another child, but my husband and I are going through some issues; issues not with conceiving but actually with sleeping with each other," when somebody asks if I only want one child?
When is it appropriate to disclose all the hurt in your life?
When is it appropriate to admit that love does not exist?

So, I have to ask, when is it the time that I realize there are just some things you cannot tell people no matter how much it hurts you, makes you feel relieved, gets you high, makes you more livid, makes you selfishly happy or just makes you feel?

When to filter or not to filter, that is the question?

When are you too old?

Last month I went away with my best friend, her sister and her best friend.  We are clearly all over the ripe age of 30 and annually spend an overnight trip out with girls only.  So we leave behind our kids, our husbands/boyfriends and our "real" lives. 
This year we headed to Atlantic City and stayed at the Borgata.  The girls were going to see David Guetta and I was going for the yummy dinner and drinks and gambling, and maybe mingling with hot rich men? Okay, so all of that really did not happen because we had a kink in the road.  A boyfriend showed up!!!
How dare him come to AC to see David Guetta in the Borgata????  And this was the beginning of the drama filled evening that I missed half of because I met up with an old family friend, aka, hot older man, not rich, and married.  Oh he was there was his wifey.  But we enjoyed ourselves.

Anywho, once we ran into the boyfriend, we immediately ran up to the room to disclose the fact to the girlfriend and can you imagine, she really didn't seem too surprised.  Oh I should I tell you that this relationship is on and off again and HE is a creep and SHE is beautiful, intelligent and knows how to have a good time.  Well, this was already after we ate at Wolfgang's and drank many yummy drinks plus champagne.  A recipe for danger!!!

We then went downstairs to go our separate ways.  They waited on line to get into their "concert," and I left to go gamble and meet up with the old friend.  Funny it is that I am usually the party pooper and want to go in by 12AM.  But drinks really help.  And learning how to drink to get drunk and then maintain that slight drunkenness is KEY to a good night for me.  But this time, I actually arrived back to the room after the girls returned.  How was that????

Well I learned that Drama unfolded into the night.  Why is it that men, horrible men, always create an environment that was meant to be fun and exciting into a hot mess of a night?  Unlike them, I had a great night.  The next morning however was a little tough on my body.

Now, I love the Borgata; I love their spa and pool; I love the pretty people; and I love the vibe.  So I decided, early in the morning, to head to the hot tub and pool.  Wow, with my head pounding and my walk a stagger at best I ended up in the hot tub.  Will the hot tub remove all theses toxins?  No, so I jumped into the pool hoping it would revive my Cooler Cleansed body.  Not so much.  I needed food!!!!!  Finally the girls awoke and I met them to eat.  Can we say, SHE had a blackout from the night before but the stories I heard kept me laughing.  The girls, besides her, did get to enjoy 45 minutes of David Guetta but would have liked to go into the morning fist pumping.  Overall, a successful evening, for me!

But when is it time to ask when are you too old to party like a 21 year old?

Big Brother 13 Casting

About 6 years ago I left a bridal shower early so I can attend the Big Brother 6 open casting call. In preparation, I took some lovely snapshots of myself and picked out a great outfit to show off my assets. Well something worked because I was called back for the semi finals. I was a newlywed and had a great backstory and wasn't too bad on the eyes to boot. But I never did get that call back for the finals in LA.
Here we are in 2011 and it's Big Brother 13 and I am ready again. I've got the story, the drive, and yeah even at 36, the looks. So I headed out this morning, after 3 wardrobe changes,to the City. I brought my 12 page application, 2 snapshots that really did me no justice and a bag full of crap that I thought I would need to keep me occupied. However I found myself waiting outside on line for 2 hours on this crappy spring day in the City. Thank God for my pink boots, my manly black gloves, my Victoria Secret hat and some warmth found in conversation and a huddle.
Finally inside and it was my turn to show them who I was. If any of you might know or remember, I did a comedic monologue called "2 minutes" when I competed in Miss Staten Island, and that's exactly what I felt here. I had no more than 2 minutes to show them me! And I believe that in 2 minutes you can find out a great deal about a person and make a judgement call. And I was hoping that they would love me or love to hate me in those 2 minutes.
They first asked my name and where I was from and with that they said "you don't talk like your from Staten Island.". I said that's because I went upstate to college and have a weird mixture of accents but Staten Island will prevail. Next question " what differentiates you from others?". My DNA? No really, I tend to lead others without the authoritarian attitude. Also I change my ways to fit into the situation and I am like a dimmer light switch where I can gradually change my mood and actions when necessary. With that the casting director replied while clapping "clap on clap off." Sure truth be told I do turn that fast. Last they checked out my tattoos. "Tell me the significance behind them?". And so I did.
I think it went well and I'm afraid to see what happens next but I am ready to expect the unexpected!

Why is it so Difficult?

Since my last blog, I have completed the Cooler Cleanse; haven't drank much coffee, and repeatedly have asked myself why is it so difficult?  So today, I believe is a ranting day and please join me!

Why is it so difficult:
To answer a simple question without answering the question. Example: Question-What are you doing on Sunday? Answer-Well, Saturday, I have to bring my child to karate, then she'll come home and eat lunch and rest, after that she needs to do some reading, and then she is going to a play and sleeping out but Sunday needs to be home by church time.

I ask-where was the real answer?

Why is it so difficult:
To remember both sneakers for the gym?  I try to get my workout done during my lunch.  I bring in my clothes, my socks, my Blackberry because I am on lunch, and one sneaker so I decide that I am still going to work out.  I never give up.  And there I am on the track running with my Coach sequined flats. 

That is, until after 8 laps one shoe decides to fly off my foot in the air.

Why is it so difficult:
To multitask? Question-Can you babysit next week?  Answer-No, I have to go to the bank.
REALLY???????????  One can't babysit a well behaved boy AND go to the bank?  Is she going to rob it?

Why is it so difficult:
To visit your mom. 
Another no brainer.

Why is it so difficult:
To JUST DO IT.

I can go on with this, and I am sure you can too.  So leave me a comment with your "Why is it so Difficult?"

Fourth and Final Day of Cooler Cleanse

Before I get to the review of Cooler Cleanse, I want to tell you a little about my Tuesday and Wednesday.  On Tuesday, I decided to return to the gym to keep my stamina up!  The babysitting area was not open as of yet, but in my gym there are couches on one level of the gym where children can sit while their parent is exercising.  I placed my lil man on the couch and gave him a snack, very healthy chocolate, and told him that I am going over to the bikes. I said "If you need anything, just wave your hand and call mommy, and I will come."  Not but 2 minutes later, I see my cutie waving him arm and saying "mommy, I need you, mommy."  So I get off the bike and say to him "what do you need?"  "Mommy, I need you because I love you."  Now I am thinking, isn't he adorable but I have to acknowledge this need and get back on that bike.  All I wanted was 10 minutes so that he could go to the kids room. So I rephrase and tell him "if you have an emergency and a very important problem, wave your hand and call mommy."  One minute later..."mommy I have an emergency, there are these boys sitting next to me and I don't know them. Mommy, I don't know the boys."  Ugh, this is not working, I think.  So I get off the bike and talk him into going into the kid room.
I got to work out 20 minutes on the treadmill but my mind was shot.  This was not my ideal work out.  I did have bigger plans.
Wednesday arrives and it is time for my lil man to go to my sister's house.  Maybe many of you can relate.  If you have a sister who is laid back, thinks about herself and plays to the beat of her own drum.  Yet she is OCD and should be able to handle a three and half year old who demands nothing more than a TV, snacks and food, and water.  She has an 8 year daughter who is in 3rd grade, so she has had experience with a kid before.  My lil one is very easy going.  He loves to watch TV and loves to play superhero.  Let's get back to Wednesday, her usual babysitting day.  I was judging a science fair at an elementary school and was very busy throughout the day however called her after lunch three separate times.  These were her responses: "I have to call you back in a little while; I have to call you back in 10 minutes; and I have to call you back in 1 minute."  By the time she decided to call me back, I was already by her house and it was more than 2 hours later.  I had heard that my lil one was sick but didn't hear it straight from my sister's mouth until that phone call.  Now, I ask, why didn't she call me earlier because when I got to her house, my poor baby looked so weak.  But this is not unusual behavior for my sister so I just deal with it.  Is this normal?

So here is the review of the Cooler Cleanse:
First day was okay with the Almond Milk being the drink I liked least.  I also had a hard time finishing all six drinks because I was full.
Second day, I really had to push the Carrot and Brazil Nut down my throat.  And the Grapefruit and Mint was refreshing during a workout but I am not a fan of grapefruit.  The Carrot was okay when it was very cold, but once it was room temperature it needed apple or something to sweeten it up.  And the Brazil Nut was better than the Almond but again once it was a little warm, I had to force it down.  And the second day overall was the hardest day for me.  I had a headache and was tired. I was very cold and felt like I was going to pass out at one point.  But the good part of the day, and this didn't happen the first time I had tried it, was when my digestive system started kicking in.  I was over-joyed that this happened because I do not go to teh bathroom regularly and this cleanse really did kick start my organs!!!
The third day was also a good day. I felt full and had all six drinks with the pineapple and ginger being my favorite.  The fourth and final day was a piece of cake and I felt like I could do his cleanse every day for the rest of my life but then I realized I will need to chew something eventually!  Thank you watermelon and lime for getting me in the spring mode.
So overall my favorites were pineapple and ginger and watermelon and lime and my least favorites were carrot and almond milk.  I didn't order any coconut water, which I disliked my first go around, and the spicy lemonade but next time I will add the lemonade!  And just a note about the essential green and red: I am not the biggest fan but anything cold is good and because I knew that it was good for my body it was good for me to consume.  And the final note is that I lost 2 pounds.  I did expect to loose a little more but 2 pounds and a healthy digestive system is great!  Now you ask, am I glowing?  Well, you can ask my friend "Ariel" about that.

Cleanse of the Body and Mind

It's my third day on Cooler Cleanse and I am feeling okay this morning.  But yesterday was a rough one.  I started with the essential green drink while I was at work.  I digress-I do work full time as a human Resources Director for an Educational Institution but that is not who I am so I didn't list it in my Bio.  Yes, it is a part of me and I have learned some valuable lessons and met some wonderful people.  But it is not me!
I return-at work yesterday I shared tastes of my drinks with "Ariel;" it's great when someone is willing to take a chance and give it a try.  You never know who the taste will affect.  However I don't think "Ariel" will be going on a cleanse anytime soon.  But thanks to the laughs and the taste testing, I got through the day.
I regress-After the essential green drink which I am okay with, I had the Brazil Nut milk.  This drink was better than the Almond Milk and was great but half way through, I tend to slow down and really chug out of need to fuel.  At this point, I started to get very sleepy and a headache.  In turn "Ariel" and I had some tweeting and texting conversations to get me through to my next drink which was my "lunch."  The Carrot drink was next and this was not early as good as the red essential drink.  I feel like it was lacking something but it is on my menu today again.  As work came near an end and I had annoyed my taste tester "Ariel" to pieces, it was time to leave with the Grapefruit and mint drink, pick up my lil one and head to the gym.  But not before a quick stop at White Castle for chicken rings for him.  I can't believe here I am on a cleanse and he is eating fast food.
I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it through a workout because of my sleepiness and my headache but I did and I think that exercising really helped me.  If I weren't working out, I don't know if I would have found the grapefruit and mint drink as refreshing as I did after doing cardio for 25 minutes.  But it helped me energize for the remainder of my workout.
By the time I reached my house, it was late and I was tired, but I still had 2 more drinks to go.  I reached for the essential red, drank it and dozed.  I never made it to the final drink and that angers me!  Today I will get to an earlier start, think good things and persevere!

Cooler Cleanse

This is my second time drinking cooler cleanse thanks to the introduction by Dori @Dori's Shiny Blog.  After ordering on http://www.coolercleanse.com/ Tuesday, I chose Saturday as the pick up day.  I love driving into the city so yesterday I went to pick up my 4 day custom cooler.  See the picture below for the handy dandy tote that they give the jucies in.  Today was my first day and I really thought I would need that morning cup of coffee.  I was glad that I didn't get one though as I am on my 5th drink of the day and it has been smooth sailing! Even with people eating pasta and chicken for Sunday dinner!
I started with the Essential Green juice before I headed to Chuck E Cheese with my son.  When I was there, tempted by the fried foods and salad bar, I drank my Almond milk.  Then we headed to visit a new addition to the family where I indulged in the Pineapple and ginger drink while they ate Brothers Pizza.  For dinner I had the Essential Red juice, followed by the Pear juice as I write and later Watermelon it is!
I really liked all of the juices with the Almond milk being my least favorite but still good.  I feel full but not stuffed.  And as I drink all of the jucies I think of how I will feel in 4 days and how those bags under my eyes will brighten because I am getting nutrients that I need.  I hope to feel lighter in 4 days too!
So, off to work tomorrow where I will get strange looks but hey who's eating and feeling better than them? Me!!!