I want to reiterate why I started this blog. I started as a self help for me; and because I thought there would be people who can relate to my life; and because people might find humor in my antics.
I like to divulge; and if you didn't know what that means, according to the dictionary, it means to become publicly known. I am a divulger! I like to talk about myself; and sometimes, let me repeat, I do not have a filter. Now should I be afraid to disclose my inner thoughts and secrets? What will offend you, the reader?
What topics are off limits? How much is too much?
Please leave a comment so I will be able to post my SEX blog which I found euphoric writing. But the minutia might be too much.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
SEX in the life of a girl
Stop reading here if Sex talk makes you uncomfortable. Or if you just came here because my post on Facebook or Twitter mentioned the word sex-I hope I do not disappoint. I had to think about how I wanted to approach this topic without giving too much detail but to say enough so you understand where I am coming from and where I need to go. So let me start by saying, I grew up in a house of mostly women. We walked around the house naked and went to the bathroom with the door wide open.
Thus it was not difficult for me to go away to college and live in a dorm where all the females shared the bathroom and showers. It also helped me to undress in the room in front of my roommate and make my way from my coed section of the dorm to the bathroom. I just couldn't figure out why most of the other girls wouldn't undress in front of anyone-did they have something I didn't have? Did they think I was a lesbian? I didn't know then and I still can't figure it out now.
The only odd thing about me being comfortable is that I do have body issues, especially in full nakedness. I think it might have to do with the theory that there's nothing wrong with seeing a body in all it's glory. It's like a piece of art. And by the way, did you know that it's legal in New York for a girl to walk around topless in the public? I found it surprising, since not many of us do it. Oh well, that's because the majority of us don't share the view of our bodies with others.
Seeing a body is one thing; Touching a body is another. And touching your own body is an entirely different topic that I can't go into here. But if you have any thoughts, please leave me a comment since Ithink know I am one of the only girls in the world that doesn't masturbate. And today one of my principals said something I thought was funny and correlated to this post. She went to her gyno and he said "do you give yourself a breast exam?" She said, "no, why would I touch myself, that's what I pay you for." I found this quite logical and amusing. Moving on...
When I was younger, I believe I was 11, I attended a summer camp on Staten Island. And that is where I had my first kiss. Thanks to a girlfriend of mine who showed me how to french kiss by demonstrating the motions on her hand and in the air. I am not sure if that was the best methodology, however it got me through my first kiss.
But then came junior high school.
In junior high school, I become more aware that kissing was not enough for the boys. I, on the other hand, was okay with kissing, holding hands, and hugging.
I can remember the first time I allowed a boy to go up my shirt. We were under the slide in the neighborhood park while hanging out.
I can remember the first time I touched a penis. We stood on the corner of my block.
Fast forward a couple of years when touching became more involved. While still in junior high school, I started dating high school boys so I had to give a little more to these boys. I couldn't understand though how touching and sucking my boobs were getting these boys off; I mean my boobs are an extra piece of skin that some men also have. And I really couldn't understand how they enjoyed a chick groping and yanking on their privates. But maybe it was because I was inexperienced. Or maybe I was disinterested and really didn't care about them getting off; or I really just wanted the affection not all the other shit.
High School came and finally at 16 and a half, to the day, I had sex for the first time. It was in my house, in my room, on my blue carpet. And for the next 4 years this was the boy that I slept with, and he must have been the first guy that went down on me, and me on him. Those encounters I can't really remember as I really didn't like either acts. I need to stop here for a moment and really analyze this situation. So bear with me.
It is here where I was faced with many sexual and emotional situations, and as a teenage girl I thought I would have been more interested in experimenting with sex, but I wasn't. I rarely wanted to have sex, and foreplay was really a stretch. So when we were in the act, I found myself watching TV or just thinking-this boy is hot and I really should be enjoying this, but I am not. I want to state that this issue was not with him. The boy had the body and the parts that were amazing, and the sense of humor and the affection were there, but I just wasn't. So now I ask, was it because I was worrying too much about me and my body, me and my ability, or me and the fact that I am never completely happy?
Fast forward to college, and if this boy is reading, don't be afraid and read on! This is where I figured out a lot more stuff about sex. So thank you. I think I became more open (and this is subjective and relative to me) to experiencing and letting go; and I became fully aware that sex and all that goes with it, is more than the act itself but the emotions and foreplay that surrounds it. It was more than "are we finished yet?" It became a time where my thoughts had to go out of my head and just enjoy how he was making me feel. It became less about feeling awkward . Many times, I needed to repeat to myself "don't be afraid to feel good and let go." And it was the times in his fraternity house or his apartment when I wasn't in the mood but something about those blue eyes and his intelligence, oh, and clearly his manly parts, that allowed me to connect with him and let go of every uptight bone in my body. So, he might disagree with some of my writings, but believe me, we had more sex in our time together than I did with the boyfriend before.
Let's rewind, fast forward, whatever; I am not sure anymore. Just two more mentions because I have to come to some kind of closure for your sake. And a note, I will not point out the father of my child since a) I know he is reading and b) we've had our share of sexual and emotional issues that have not been faced.
With that said, there have been 2 partners, in my lifetime of partners, that have really made me want to be with them every day, sexually and physically. Both of these people and these relationships, even though very different from each other, have a commonality, and apparently it's part of the "it" factor for me: They possessed the ability to make me feel as comfortable in my skin that I am ever going to get, allowing me to enjoy the sex. With that, I mean not only was there was a sexual attraction, but the emotional and intellectual attraction averaged quite high. My worries seem to fade when around them. And maybe it had to do with the circumstances around our relationships that allowed me to have a no stakes attitude.
Let's recap: I struggle with sex and all that goes into it. Sex is both an emotional and physical thing for me; EMOTIONS usually winning. That's it; it's much more than being comfortable. It's about being emotional. Passionate. Expressive.
So here I am today with good experiences and bad experiences, and just plain experiences. Lessons learned and hopes for a healthy sex life from here on.
Thus it was not difficult for me to go away to college and live in a dorm where all the females shared the bathroom and showers. It also helped me to undress in the room in front of my roommate and make my way from my coed section of the dorm to the bathroom. I just couldn't figure out why most of the other girls wouldn't undress in front of anyone-did they have something I didn't have? Did they think I was a lesbian? I didn't know then and I still can't figure it out now.
The only odd thing about me being comfortable is that I do have body issues, especially in full nakedness. I think it might have to do with the theory that there's nothing wrong with seeing a body in all it's glory. It's like a piece of art. And by the way, did you know that it's legal in New York for a girl to walk around topless in the public? I found it surprising, since not many of us do it. Oh well, that's because the majority of us don't share the view of our bodies with others.
Seeing a body is one thing; Touching a body is another. And touching your own body is an entirely different topic that I can't go into here. But if you have any thoughts, please leave me a comment since I
When I was younger, I believe I was 11, I attended a summer camp on Staten Island. And that is where I had my first kiss. Thanks to a girlfriend of mine who showed me how to french kiss by demonstrating the motions on her hand and in the air. I am not sure if that was the best methodology, however it got me through my first kiss.
But then came junior high school.
In junior high school, I become more aware that kissing was not enough for the boys. I, on the other hand, was okay with kissing, holding hands, and hugging.
I can remember the first time I allowed a boy to go up my shirt. We were under the slide in the neighborhood park while hanging out.
I can remember the first time I touched a penis. We stood on the corner of my block.
Fast forward a couple of years when touching became more involved. While still in junior high school, I started dating high school boys so I had to give a little more to these boys. I couldn't understand though how touching and sucking my boobs were getting these boys off; I mean my boobs are an extra piece of skin that some men also have. And I really couldn't understand how they enjoyed a chick groping and yanking on their privates. But maybe it was because I was inexperienced. Or maybe I was disinterested and really didn't care about them getting off; or I really just wanted the affection not all the other shit.
High School came and finally at 16 and a half, to the day, I had sex for the first time. It was in my house, in my room, on my blue carpet. And for the next 4 years this was the boy that I slept with, and he must have been the first guy that went down on me, and me on him. Those encounters I can't really remember as I really didn't like either acts. I need to stop here for a moment and really analyze this situation. So bear with me.
It is here where I was faced with many sexual and emotional situations, and as a teenage girl I thought I would have been more interested in experimenting with sex, but I wasn't. I rarely wanted to have sex, and foreplay was really a stretch. So when we were in the act, I found myself watching TV or just thinking-this boy is hot and I really should be enjoying this, but I am not. I want to state that this issue was not with him. The boy had the body and the parts that were amazing, and the sense of humor and the affection were there, but I just wasn't. So now I ask, was it because I was worrying too much about me and my body, me and my ability, or me and the fact that I am never completely happy?
Fast forward to college, and if this boy is reading, don't be afraid and read on! This is where I figured out a lot more stuff about sex. So thank you. I think I became more open (and this is subjective and relative to me) to experiencing and letting go; and I became fully aware that sex and all that goes with it, is more than the act itself but the emotions and foreplay that surrounds it. It was more than "are we finished yet?" It became a time where my thoughts had to go out of my head and just enjoy how he was making me feel. It became less about feeling awkward . Many times, I needed to repeat to myself "don't be afraid to feel good and let go." And it was the times in his fraternity house or his apartment when I wasn't in the mood but something about those blue eyes and his intelligence, oh, and clearly his manly parts, that allowed me to connect with him and let go of every uptight bone in my body. So, he might disagree with some of my writings, but believe me, we had more sex in our time together than I did with the boyfriend before.
Let's rewind, fast forward, whatever; I am not sure anymore. Just two more mentions because I have to come to some kind of closure for your sake. And a note, I will not point out the father of my child since a) I know he is reading and b) we've had our share of sexual and emotional issues that have not been faced.
With that said, there have been 2 partners, in my lifetime of partners, that have really made me want to be with them every day, sexually and physically. Both of these people and these relationships, even though very different from each other, have a commonality, and apparently it's part of the "it" factor for me: They possessed the ability to make me feel as comfortable in my skin that I am ever going to get, allowing me to enjoy the sex. With that, I mean not only was there was a sexual attraction, but the emotional and intellectual attraction averaged quite high. My worries seem to fade when around them. And maybe it had to do with the circumstances around our relationships that allowed me to have a no stakes attitude.
Let's recap: I struggle with sex and all that goes into it. Sex is both an emotional and physical thing for me; EMOTIONS usually winning. That's it; it's much more than being comfortable. It's about being emotional. Passionate. Expressive.
So here I am today with good experiences and bad experiences, and just plain experiences. Lessons learned and hopes for a healthy sex life from here on.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Decisions, Destiny and Daniel
"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity...Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been...Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."
~Anthony Robbins
We are all faced with decisions. It's a fact of life. It's what makes your life, your life. I believe that the doors we open each day decide the lives we live. Hence I live with an open door policy.
Decisions can be as easy as blue or black ink? Or as hard as do I want to make this change? Some people face decision making with ease, and others not so much.
I take decision making very serious. I think about everything in detail in order to see the potential outcomes and their pros and cons. I tend to over think yes. But when there is a lot on the line, I have to. I feel better about it. Whether the decision is right or wrong, I make every conscious effort in making the right decision for me. At this point in my life, sometimes I wonder where I've been and who I am. Thank you Irene Cara.
When I was competing in the Miss America local based pageants, and during job interviews, I usually got the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?" My answers varied but they included: a former Miss America giving back to her community or a well rounded and influential employee working at Company ABC. And the decisions I made at that time, I thought, would influence my chances in becoming all of those things. In reality, I competed in pageants each year and gave it my all being me; and educated myself and tried to build some smart working practices.
So after looking back in the past, I never achieved the Miss America crown and I didn't always get the job. But it was the decisions that I made based on my analysis of who I wanted to be and how I would get there. Those decisions were the hinges of my destiny. It was my decision to want and pursue.
Now let's look into my present and future. I figured out that my decision making is to make decisions not only for me, but also for my son. His education, his friends, and his talents. And all of the decisions that I make for myself will indirectly affect the life of my son. Who I associate with, how I deal with adversity, and how I present myself.
So now I ask where do I see myself in 5 or 10 years? Still wanting and pursuing. Still making choices. Still singing-Always proving who we are; Always reachin' for the risin' star; To guide me far; And shine me home.
~Anthony Robbins
We are all faced with decisions. It's a fact of life. It's what makes your life, your life. I believe that the doors we open each day decide the lives we live. Hence I live with an open door policy.
Decisions can be as easy as blue or black ink? Or as hard as do I want to make this change? Some people face decision making with ease, and others not so much.
I take decision making very serious. I think about everything in detail in order to see the potential outcomes and their pros and cons. I tend to over think yes. But when there is a lot on the line, I have to. I feel better about it. Whether the decision is right or wrong, I make every conscious effort in making the right decision for me. At this point in my life, sometimes I wonder where I've been and who I am. Thank you Irene Cara.
When I was competing in the Miss America local based pageants, and during job interviews, I usually got the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?" My answers varied but they included: a former Miss America giving back to her community or a well rounded and influential employee working at Company ABC. And the decisions I made at that time, I thought, would influence my chances in becoming all of those things. In reality, I competed in pageants each year and gave it my all being me; and educated myself and tried to build some smart working practices.
So after looking back in the past, I never achieved the Miss America crown and I didn't always get the job. But it was the decisions that I made based on my analysis of who I wanted to be and how I would get there. Those decisions were the hinges of my destiny. It was my decision to want and pursue.
Now let's look into my present and future. I figured out that my decision making is to make decisions not only for me, but also for my son. His education, his friends, and his talents. And all of the decisions that I make for myself will indirectly affect the life of my son. Who I associate with, how I deal with adversity, and how I present myself.
So now I ask where do I see myself in 5 or 10 years? Still wanting and pursuing. Still making choices. Still singing-Always proving who we are; Always reachin' for the risin' star; To guide me far; And shine me home.
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