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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

SEX in the life of a girl

Stop reading here if Sex talk makes you uncomfortable.  Or if you just came here because my post on Facebook or Twitter mentioned the word sex-I hope I do not disappoint. I had to think about how I wanted to approach this topic without giving too much detail but to say enough so you understand where I am coming from and where I need to go. So let me start by saying, I grew up in a house of mostly women.  We walked around the house naked and went to the bathroom with the door wide open.
Thus it was not difficult for me to go away to college and live in a dorm where all the females shared the bathroom and showers. It also helped me to undress in the room in front of my roommate and  make my way from my coed section of the dorm to the bathroom.  I just couldn't figure out why most of the other girls wouldn't undress in front of anyone-did they have something I didn't have? Did they think I was a lesbian? I didn't know then and I still can't figure it out now. 
The only odd thing about me being comfortable is that I do have body issues, especially in full nakedness.  I think it might have to do with the theory that there's nothing wrong with seeing a body in all it's glory.  It's like a piece of art.  And by the way, did you know that it's legal in New York for a girl to walk around topless in the public?  I found it surprising, since not many of us do it.  Oh well, that's because the majority of us don't share the view of our bodies with others.

Seeing a body is one thing; Touching a body is another.  And touching your own body is an entirely different topic that I can't go into here.  But if you have any thoughts, please leave me a comment since I think know I am one of the only girls in the world that doesn't masturbate.  And today one of my principals said something I thought was funny and correlated to this post.  She went to her gyno and he said "do you give yourself a breast exam?" She said, "no, why would I touch myself, that's what I pay you for."  I found this quite logical and amusing.  Moving on...

When I was younger, I believe I was 11, I attended a summer camp on Staten Island. And that is where I had my first kiss.  Thanks to a girlfriend of mine who showed me how to french kiss by demonstrating the motions on her hand and in the air.  I am not sure if that was the best methodology, however it got me through my first kiss.
But then came junior high school.
In junior high school, I become more aware that kissing was not enough for the boys. I, on the other hand, was okay with kissing, holding hands, and hugging. 
I can remember the first time I allowed a boy to go up my shirt.  We were under the slide in the neighborhood park while hanging out. 
I can remember the first time I touched a penis.  We stood on the corner of my block.
Fast forward a couple of years when touching became more involved.  While still in junior high school, I started dating high school boys so I had to give a little more to these boys.  I couldn't understand though how touching and sucking my boobs were getting these boys off; I mean my boobs are an extra piece of skin that some men also have.  And I really couldn't understand how they enjoyed a chick groping and yanking on their privates.  But maybe it was because I was inexperienced.  Or maybe I was disinterested and really didn't care about them getting off; or I really just wanted the affection not all the other shit. 

High School came and finally at 16 and a half, to the day, I had sex for the first time.  It was in my house, in my room, on my blue carpet.  And for the next 4 years this was the boy that I slept with, and he must have been the first guy that went down on me, and me on him.  Those encounters I can't really remember as I really didn't like either acts.  I need to stop here for a moment and really analyze this situation.  So bear with me. 

It is here where I was faced with many sexual and emotional situations, and as a teenage girl I thought I would have been more interested in experimenting with sex, but I wasn't.  I rarely wanted to have sex, and foreplay was really a stretch.  So when we were in the act, I found myself watching TV or just thinking-this boy is hot and I really should be enjoying this, but I am not.  I want to state that this issue was not with him.  The boy had the body and the parts that were amazing, and the sense of humor and the affection were there, but I just wasn't.  So now I ask, was it because I was worrying too much about me and my body, me and my ability, or me and the fact that I am never completely happy?

Fast forward to college, and if this boy is reading, don't be afraid and read on!  This is where I figured out a lot more stuff about sex.  So thank you.  I think I became more open (and this is subjective and relative to me) to experiencing and letting go; and I became fully aware that sex and all that goes with it, is more than the act itself but the emotions and foreplay that surrounds it.  It was more than "are we finished yet?"  It became a time where my thoughts had to go out of my head and just enjoy how he was making me feel.  It became less about feeling awkward . Many times, I needed to repeat to myself "don't be afraid to feel good and let go."  And it was the times in his fraternity house or his apartment when I wasn't in the mood but something about those blue eyes and his intelligence, oh, and clearly his manly parts, that allowed me to connect with him and let go of every uptight bone in my body.  So, he might disagree with some of my writings, but believe me, we had more sex in our time together than I did with the boyfriend before.

Let's rewind, fast forward, whatever; I am not sure anymore.  Just two more mentions because I have to come to some kind of closure for your sake.  And a note,  I will not point out the father of my child since a) I know he is reading and b) we've had our share of sexual and emotional issues that have not been faced. 

With that said, there have been 2 partners, in my lifetime of partners, that have really made me want to be with them every day, sexually and physically. Both of these people and these relationships, even though very different from each other, have a commonality, and apparently it's part of the "it" factor for me: They possessed the ability to make me feel as comfortable in my skin that I am ever going to get, allowing me to enjoy the sex.  With that, I mean not only was there was a sexual attraction, but the emotional and intellectual attraction averaged quite high. My worries seem to fade when around them.  And maybe it had to do with the circumstances around our relationships that allowed me to have a no stakes attitude.

Let's recap: I struggle with sex and all that goes into it. Sex is both an emotional and physical thing for me; EMOTIONS usually winning.  That's it; it's much more than being comfortable.  It's about being emotional. Passionate. Expressive.

So here I am today with good experiences and bad experiences, and just plain experiences.  Lessons learned and hopes for a healthy sex life from here on.

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